shut up christine

shut up christine

( 9:08 PM ) shut up christine

i hate that i think of him.
when i'm ordering food for myself, i hate that i wonder if he's hungry
when i'm shopping, i hate that things remind me of him
i hate that sometimes i buy those things, for him
with no intention of giving them
because he's married to someone else
why do i do that?
do i enjoy wasting my time and money?
do i enjoy torturing myself

i wish i could just get over you already

( 9:25 PM ) shut up christine

purse thoughts

i've been trying to pare down my purse contents to the bare essentials
i have a SOG key knife that makoto wants me to carry since i run at night
but i keep thinking that it's just one more unnecessary thing on my keychain
and will i ever actually stab anyone?

( 10:07 PM ) shut up christine

RAGE

in this moment i am unapologetically angry
i don't ~~care~~ give a fuck
i want to sit here and experience my anger in all its fullness and glory. all the levels, as deep as i can go. through the skin, past the fat and muscle, to the center of my bones

i want to hit you for no goddamn reason
and when you cry, i'm going to scream stop crying or i'll give you a reason to cry
and then i'm going to beat you
i'm going to make you bend over on the couch and whip you with my belt until you bleed

i want you to be sad. all the time
i want you to feel helpless. because i said so
i want you to feel so desperate that you try to kill yourself as quietly as you can
by tying multiple plastic grocery bags around your head and waiting for hours and nothing fucking happens
and when you finally untie the bags because you're scared you're making too much noise
when you finally untie the bags your hair and face are soaked from condensation

i'm going to call you motherfucker, ironically
i'm going to hit you with a chair. and hangers. and my fists.
i'm going to strangle you

but i will be merciful i will give you a gift that you never gave me - i will let you cry
as hard, as loud, and as long as you need to

( 10:42 PM ) shut up christine

conversations at work today

bill asked me what kind of music i like
i said ladysmith black mambazo
sue said oh they did a song with paul simon
me: who's paul simon
i asked bill what he likes
he said he likes movie soundtracks
his favorite is the good the bad and the ugly
never seen it, i said. clint eastwood?
sue tried to summarize the plot for me
she said a chimpanzee sits in clint eastwood's car...
me: ....wait i thought it was a western...
sue: the chimpanzee sits in the passenger seat and the blinker is broken so clint eastwood says "right turn, clyde"
me: you're full of shit
sue: and the chimpanzee punches..
me: YOU'RE SO FULL OF SHIT I DON'T BELIEVE YOU
sue: HAHAHA *shows me this video clip*

all three of us are laughing so hard we're crying because the premise is bizarre and anyway it's the wrong movie

me: are you on your period? i need to get my period stat. like right now. can i smell you
coworkers: why, kit?
me: i don't want to get my period in india because the stray dogs chase you
them: omg they won't chase you
me: last time i had to carry a fucking stick to scare them off
debbie: come here!! smell me
me: *rubs face on debbie*

( 10:05 PM ) shut up christine

i want to remember what happened this past week
this was the first time i saw someone die on the table

we got called in at 10:07pm
i chose the most soothing ringtone for STEMI calls and my stomach drops every time i hear it
i didn't get home until 4:30

i remember pieces of things
there was corn on the floor
i pushed a med so hard that i broke the syringe
his family had given us a prayer card to place under his head
at the end my coworker found the card on the floor, covered in blood
and i remember watching her try to clean it off

some experiences stay with you
this is part of me now

( 8:10 AM ) shut up christine

two things

1. i've been getting all my IV starts, and with 20g needles

i have a feeling i'm gonna get pretty good at this

this is a big deal for me. i can't even explain the enormity of it, like i'm totally crying right now.

it's like i am actively witnessing the fear fall away little by little, i can literally feel the change in my hands and in myself

2. there's a doctor in our department who is always yelling, rolling her eyes, throwing insults
if she sees a weakness, she jumps on it. i think she gets off on making people feel stupid.

she went off on me once because her cell phone rang during a procedure and she yelled for someone to answer it, which i did, but she actually meant she wanted me to come over and hold the phone up to her face

anywho the other day we're starting a procedure and i'm doing the time out, i'm calling out the patient's labs and she interrupts me and says too much info i don't need to know that. and then she cocks her head and says to me "so tell me, what medications is this patient taking?"

(fyi that is a random question at time out, and also not even 3 seconds earlier i had tried to give her the pertinent labs for the procedure we were about to do and she didn't want to hear).

without skipping a beat i run down the whole list of this patient's 17 home medications, which i knew because i wrote them down ahead of time next to my list of all the labs

i think she was trying to trip me up, but i'm ready for you sis

come at me :)

( 12:34 AM ) shut up christine

notables of 2018

1. march: LA marathon

i honestly thought i wouldn't complete it. i mentally prepared NOT to finish and i was kind of surprised when i did

2. may: two weeks solo backpacking in japan

kumano kodo pilgramage

summit of mount fuji!

3. june: celebrated our 8th anniversary

4. july: turned thirty-five

6. october: 2 year hair anniversary

5. november: career change

ended my run on 7th floor (bittersweet) and started my dream job in the cath lab

2018 was such a landmark year for me. so much change and growth

( 8:09 AM ) shut up christine

familia

fred, ethel, michael, lupe, henry, bruno

( 1:31 PM ) shut up christine

yesterday, an orthopedic surgeon in orange county california who shall remain nameless
yelled at me on the phone for five minutes straight
my coworker sitting next to me said she would've cried and hung up on him

luckily i gravitate toward guys who treat me like shit, so no biggie.
but you were screaming like a little bitch

#thingsiwouldliketosayoutloud

( 12:17 AM ) shut up christine

get better

little secret: i'm afraid of needles 😳
lately i've been volunteering to start IVs for my coworkers' patients as often as possible
some days i get them, some days i miss 4 times in a row...

makoto has big old ginormous veins. he let me practice on him today
i popped one in easily, he said it wasn't bad at all
but he could feel me shaking

( 11:57 PM ) shut up christine

this is my friend Michael

( 6:55 PM ) shut up christine

this song is what my dreams are made of

bitte Please - the lamp is high

( 9:00 PM ) shut up christine

the other day at work i was internally debating whether or not to address an incident (with a doctor) that had upset my favorite doctor

so the incident with the other doctor happened again, and it made me mad because i... have my favorite's back, even when he's not there

anyway phillip tells me not to get in the middle, let the doctors battle it out themselves

i say that's hard, i have to pretend that i don't care

phillip says he doesn't care about you, Kit. he doesn't have to pretend

and i nod because he's right.

boom boom boom

beach house - real love

( 1:19 AM ) shut up christine

period time

i stumbled upon a facebook video in which a weak elderly chimpanzee at a zoo is dying -- refusing food and drink from her caretakers-- until one of her oldest human friends comes to visit and she becomes so incredibly happy and they stroke each other's faces

and i am sobbing sobbing sobbing
😭😭😭

( 10:40 PM ) shut up christine

unsure what to say. it comes out of nowhere

i was told i broke my mom's heart, nine years ago, i think?

when i said fuck you to my parents

my mom has never forgiven me for saying those words

i should just apologize, they said

would that fix us? would that make you happy

did i ever ask my dad to apologize for what happened that day

for pinning me against a desk and strangling me? for trying to hit me in the head with a stepladder

were you trying to kill me then? i never questioned it

have i ever asked you to apologize for the beatings

for the names

have i ever fucking asked you??

i stopped talking for a long time as a child
it took me years of hard work to overcome my shyness and anxiety
to speak without having back pain. without shaking

you will never get an apology from me

i broke your heart?

you broke me long before that

( 12:37 PM ) shut up christine

fuckity fuck

the other night i went for a run right after it had rained

this is my worst, most crippling fear in life

(this, and driving in san francisco/ parts of los angeles. driving has become more difficult for me but i am trying not to let the anxiety overcome my life. these fears are creations of my mind. you're not a crazy person, girlfriend. face your fears and get it under control)

i had to keep my hand over my mouth because i kept screaming

i almost started crying

then i took a picture because they are just snails and they have no power over me!

fuck you

French Becky - Grace Mitchell

( 4:11 PM ) shut up christine

run river north - winter wind

i usually run at 10pm. it's been cold lately
i've been playing this song
as i run through the fog
its kind of dramatic

ps i have flashlights on my shoes and wrist. i run holding a key knife. in my other hand i hold pepper spray with rape alarm. in my fanny pack i carry a taser

if someone forces you into a car, try to remove one of the front seat headrests and use the metal prongs to break the window
this is how to escape from the trunk of a car

( 2:50 PM ) shut up christine

so helpful

The Real Causes of Depression Have Been Discovered, And They're Not What You Think

#

( 12:01 PM ) shut up christine

the Asian Garden Mall (Phuoc Luc Tho) is hosting a flower festival through Feb 14

( 10:56 AM ) shut up christine

i went to sugarfina to get a little birthday gift for a friend

these ice cream cone gummies are very cute, no? almost too pretty to eat. i said almost

they wrapped my purchase in a gift bag with tissue paper (excessive!)

i also got gummy pineapples (vegan) but they were so delicious i ate them all before i could take a picture

i probably won't buy such beautiful candy ever again, can't bring myself to pay $7.50 for a small beautifully packaged acrylic box of gummy candy

adieu parisian pineapples

( 3:11 PM ) shut up christine

another lesson from my fave. writing it here so i always remember

a-fib is just smoke
only becomes fire when it's fast (RVR)
find the source of the fire and put it out

via namcp.org

( 10:22 PM ) shut up christine

i did something good

i reported two doctors for failing to do their jobs

a coworker told me not to, she was scared there would be repercussions for me (and maybe they could trace it back to her too) so instead of filing anonymously i signed my name

we had been fighting for two weeks to get a patient the treatment he needs

and today i got it for him

i'm really proud of myself today
:)

( 12:01 PM ) shut up christine

sometimes, the depth of my rage feels so limitless. so infinite and overwhelming

last night my sister and i had an ugly fight that eventually turned into an amazing conversation that i didn't know i needed

at one point in the conversation she apologized to me for not being a better older sister
for not being that kind or nurturing to me when we were little

at first i was like it's ok it wasn't that bad
but tears came down
i feel like i traveled back to a depth/time and cried with my younger self. hugged her and let her cry as much as she wanted
is it possible to go back in time and heal old hurts? i believe so

( 10:21 AM ) shut up christine

first half marathon of the year in the books!
fave part: getting vegan ice cream after

p.s. i kind of hate running
p.p.s. 2 months until full LA marathon and i'm freaking the fuck out

( 5:09 PM ) shut up christine

i got fitted for new running shoes yesterday

my shoe size went up by 1.5 😬

i know you need to size up but damn.

this was the first and only pair the shoe whisperer showed me

they're plain blue, which is an improvement over my old shoes

my old shoes were obscene

hot pink and zebra

obscene

Toyo swears by hoka one ones. he overpronates like i do, so we need extra stability.

but look at this. why

why though??

i would like a minimalist inconspicuous unobtrusive comfortable running shoe in neutral colors designed for people with bunions and social phobia

People with social anxiety disorder usually experience significant emotional distress in the following situations:

Being introduced to other people
Being the center of attention
Being watched while doing something
Meeting people in authority ("important people")
Most social encounters, especially with strangers
Going around the room (or table) in a circle and having to say something

if you happen to see me running on the street please do not look at me or my feet

#

( 4:08 PM ) shut up christine

( 3:18 PM ) shut up christine

this book

#

( 1:25 PM ) shut up christine

hygge

hygge (pronounced hue-guh) is the Scandinavian word for a mood of coziness and comfort with feelings of wellness and contentment

this loose leaf earl grey tea from trader joe's is my all-time favorite. it smells so beautiful
i infused my tea into a cup of warm almond milk with a teaspoon of honey
and i am sitting on my balcony watching it drizzle outside

the pretty ceramic travel mug on the right has a magnetic tea infuser attached to the bamboo cap, people at work always ask me where i got it
(from SEED peoples market at the camp in costa mesa but you can also get it online here)

simple glass mug and tea infuser are from ikea

spoon is thrifted. random fact: i only use flatware with floral handles

sandalwood candle burning in the background and i am so happy

( 8:29 AM ) shut up christine

friday morning his name was still on the board
he wasn't assigned to me but his daughter waved me down in the hallway and told me i'm glad you're here today
she knew
we watched his heart slow to a flatline
we held his hands
he passed at 11:05am

( 1:29 AM ) shut up christine

2018 mantras:

- GET IT
- there is no shortcut. it takes time and work
- prioritize mental and emotional health

( 4:55 PM ) shut up christine

Could fulfillment ever be felt as deeply as loss? Romantically she decided that love must surely reside in the gap between desire and fulfillment, in the lack, not the contentment. Love was the ache, the anticipation, the retreat, everything around it but the emotion itself.

-The Inheritance of Loss

#

( 1:05 PM ) shut up christine

beauty

( 11:43 AM ) shut up christine

random thoughts

one of my patients is about to die
it shook me a little bit, the speed at which he declined
just a few days ago he was joking and laughing with me

i've never had the "not on my shift" mentality - i mean obviously do no harm but you can't save everyone
sometimes all you can do is support them as they die
be present for them and their families, as best as you can

the trauma surgeons at our hospital (and maybe trauma surgeons in general?) are notoriously aloof
they're like their own breed of aliens
their social skills are shit
i wonder if that's what happens to you when you've seen so many people die in front of you

( 11:55 AM ) shut up christine

happy new year!

i think i spent over 14 hours of december 31 deep cleaning my home

smudged with sage and copal as well

may all who pass through these doors be blessed and feel welcome

may this space and all of its contents be cleared of any stagnant, negative energy

may it be filled with a bright, peaceful, and positive light

( 11:58 AM ) shut up christine

dr. hirota

today i asked my most favoritest doctor are you okay?
he said he was exhausted
i asked if he worked on christmas and he said technically no
i nodded my head because i know he worked anyway

things i wish i could say:
i wish you a healthy work-life balance.
i wish you rest. uninterrupted restful sleep.
did you always know you wanted to be a doctor?
is it everything you thought it would be?
i appreciate you as a person, and all that you do for our patients.
please go home

( 8:09 PM ) shut up christine

cacti at oc succulents in irvine

( 9:57 AM ) shut up christine

red envelopes, traditionally given to friends and family for occasions like weddings or lunar new year, symbolize good wishes, luck, and prosperity for the year ahead.

wrapping money in red envelopes is believed to bestow more happiness and blessings on the receivers

i think it's auspicious to keep a wallet that looks like a red envelope

i got mine here

aus·pi·cious

conducive to success; favorable.

synonyms: favorable, propitious, promising, rosy, encouraging
giving or being a sign of future success.

( 6:12 PM ) shut up christine

what do you do in your spare time?

i make a chore list in my bullet journal
and i clean

vacuum 15 min
vacuum couches 10 min
shampoo carpet 2 hours
clean toilets 5 min
dust 5 min
sweep 5 min
mop 5 min
2 loads laundry (no time limit)
fold clothes 10 min
put away clothes 5 min
wash dishes 5 min
put away dry dishes 5 min
etcetera

i love it
as a 34 year old this is my biggest happiness in life
this is my equivalent to a video game or drugs

( 4:06 PM ) shut up christine

an old friend recently requested to re-add me on facebook
we had a falling out years ago, over a guy who screwed both of us over
i looked up the last email she sent me in 2009, ironically it was titled "Friendship"
the things she said to me still make me cringe

my reply email though...good job, old cb. i look back 8 years ago and i'm proud of myself and how i responded

anyhow i ignored her friendship request
because i'm petty and it's important to acknowledge that part of myself
but i firmly believe it's just as important and healthy to set boundaries and i'm not obligated to invite that kind of energy back into my life

Keep company with those who make you better.
-English saying

marie sent me this picture of pickles. you're my best friend, picky! cat friends > people friends

( 7:54 PM ) shut up christine

kitty!

thank you Scott

#

( 6:56 PM ) shut up christine

favorite late night running song at the moment

brave for you - the xx

( 4:19 PM ) shut up christine

scored this little gem for two dollars at the costa mesa gem faire

Smoky Quartz

The aspirin of your crystal healing first aid kit, smoky quartz is excellent for soothing pain, both emotional and physical.

Get the most out of this master healer by taking a smoky quartz crystal point and placing it over areas of tension. Feel the stone and its healing properties infusing your body with a healing white light that neutralizes negativity and amplifies the energy of all the crystals that surround it.

via energy muse

Smoky quartz is an excellent grounding stone. It gently neutralizes negative vibrations and is detoxifying on all levels, prompting elimination of the digestive system and protecting against radiation and electromagnetic smog. It disperses fear, lifts depression and negativity. It brings emotional calmness, relieving stress and anxiety. Promotes positive thoughts and action and alleviates suicidal tendencies. Dispels nightmares and manifests your dreams. Smoky quartz aids concentration and assists in communication difficulties.

via charms of light

An extraordinary amulet of protection, Smoky Quartz helps guard the home, vehicles and possessions against theft, damage, and accidents caused by human error. Keep one in a purse, in the glove box, or near valuables.

Place smoky quartz in the home or work environment to filter out bad moods, unspoken resentments, or disparaging remarks that drain one's strength and enthusiasm.

via crystal vaults

( 8:28 AM ) shut up christine

pack it up papa

we didn't get Mochi, they chose another family
it's okay
i asked makoto to help me return all the doggie stuff i bought online
i was at work when he was packing the return shipments and he texted me this pic of Pickles supervising

( 10:26 PM ) shut up christine

touche, universe

today i had a difficult, belligerent patient
refused everything, pulled out his lines, security was called multiple times by the previous nurse
i tried to prepare myself. saved him for last

after he cussed me out i told him you're in a hospital not a hotel and if you don't want treatment you can leave
he said he was going to kill me and i yelled "DO IT"

i felt bad
not for him
but because i lost control

i judge my mother so harshly
but i do the same shit

everything i hate is mirrored in myself
yesterday i preached how better-than-thou i was

when will you understand that you are exactly like her

( 8:46 AM ) shut up christine

i woke up this morning angry

can i tell you? because i can't tell her now

i was already in 3rd or 4th grade maybe? i had been taking piano lessons for years, but i still sucked.
i remember it was around christmas time because i was learning christmas songs
after my lesson my piano teacher and my mom had a long talk at the front door, probably talking about how bad i was at piano

afterward my mom shut the door and beat the shit out of me
i remember it as one of the worst, maybe because it lasted so long? also because my mom always ran her mouth, screaming while belt whipping you

then she made me practice piano for hours and i wasn't allowed to cry

i hate you for that
for all the times you lost control. for your violence
for being so embarrassed about what someone else thought about me that you abused me physically and mentally "for my own good"
your fucking ego.

you hurt me, mama

i am 34 years old now and i have not forgotten this

( 9:51 AM ) shut up christine

i am trying to adopt this sweet little 9 year old girl, her name is mochi. i first saw her in september

there is an application process w/ multiple families in the running but i bought a play pen and toys and treats in case we are chosen. almost bought a doggie stroller but i stopped myself

i think we will find out this week? even if we aren't chosen at least i know she'll be going to a good home

#

( 9:15 AM ) shut up christine

my default pattern is to hold it in. keep your head down and be quiet. let it work itself out. meditate, control how you react. write about it if you need to. let it build and fester until you get a rash on your arm or explode

but lately i have been speaking my mind

calling out crap when it happens

confrontation, i guess (i've always hated confrontation)

but i try to do it as thoughtfully as i can

yesterday i witnessed a patient's family member screaming and verbally abusing my coworkers

one coworker was in tears, the other had to step away

a few minutes later i approached that family member (who also happens to be a registered nurse)

and i firmly addressed her allegations/issues as best as i could but i also told her that what i witnessed earlier in the hallway was unacceptable, and as a fellow nurse, i was embarrassed for her and the way she acted

i literally said that to her face. me

there was some other drama at work, shit talking and such. and instead of trying to ignore it i just asked her about it upfront and i think it caught her off guard. good conversation.

i'm not in high school anymore, ya know? too old for this

people thought i was mute for so much of my life

not anymore

( 1:36 PM ) shut up christine

about two years ago i switched to a natural biodegradable fragrance-free powdered laundry detergent (i use charlie's soap)
and got rid of disposable dryer sheets. i now use wool dryer balls with a few drops of lavender oil sprinkled on them. smells amazing

also i have not ironed/steamed my scrubs for a year. i just throw them in the dryer for a few minutes while i'm getting ready for work

there was no point to this except to talk about laundry :)

( 11:26 PM ) shut up christine

home slice november edition