shut up christine

shut up christine

( 6:33 PM ) shut up christine

i have taken over a small patch of dirt next to the papaya tree in our front yard. i'm growing basil, lemon thyme, mint, nasturtiums, and fennel. i love taking care of it, and it makes me happy

( 10:40 AM ) shut up christine

time

i want to
- become proficient in the abacus
- learn how to parallel park
- swim at the deep end
- grow a garden
- get my showers down to 8 minutes
- climb the ladder to the attic and not get scared
- cook something great

we can do it

( 6:14 PM ) shut up christine

another reason to live life as my thank you

last week, while a friend and i were working on some things he noticed that my laptop took a while to load up
then today i learned that he and a few other friends have been scheming to add memory to my hard drive to make my computer run faster
and just the mere thought of them thinking up this idea is already more than enough
i am a puddle of mush

i wonder out of all the good things that happen in my life, how many have i never found out about?

( 4:16 PM ) shut up christine

there's this man at the motel who comes in pretty regularly, at least twice a week
but the strange thing is that i'd hear a faint high-pitched meowing whenever he was around, and i used to think fack this guy is hiding cats in his facking jacket...
until i realized he was making the noises himself

don't get me wrong, i like weird. quirkiness is quite endearing, but still, i am thankful for this bullet-proof glass between us

( 2:42 PM ) shut up christine

walking it

this is my favorite time of year
it started last night and will end 4 months from now
and i love it but i'm scared because i know that i can't ask anything of anyone unless i'm willing to put in just as much
and there is so much to ask for...
i hope i'm strong enough

First Walk for Hope Meeting of the Year
When: Saturday, June 20 @ 1pm
Where: Royal Cup Cafe
994 Redondo Ave.
Long Beach, CA 90804

Find out how you can get involved and help us create a vision for this year's event.
RSVP here: http://bethecause.com/event.php?event_id=267

( 3:05 PM ) shut up christine

tagalog lessons

dad: i trew away dose peanuts. it went bad
me: what peanuts?
dad: dose peanuts ober der
me: what peanuts are you talking about? i don't have any
dad: ya know da espea-nuts pea-nuts!
me: ohhhhh the spinach
dad: dats what i said!

hehe

( 6:14 PM ) shut up christine

reminder

What's the biggest challenge?

An all volunteer run network has only one currency to offer our members: sacrifice. When volunteers show up and want to get involved there are no fat paychecks, no recognition awards, no offices overlooking the ocean,
only sacrifice.
-sukh

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( 4:17 PM ) shut up christine

baby shower registry

doesnt this make you want to get pregnant right now? no?

( 3:20 PM ) shut up christine

cb + stripper shoes = recipe for snapping ankles

( 6:51 AM ) shut up christine

i don't mean to be arrogant
but i feel extremely fortunate to be me, and
that when i wake up, this is my amazing life
not that it's all that glorious
i have a very ordinary existence actually
but i think if i could design my life to be whatever i wanted,
this is how it would be.

also, most of the time i feel like a defunct superhero attempting to perform feats beyond my capacity to give
and again and again i am rescued by the very people i'm trying to help.
they save me.
this is a lesson i love learning

( 11:59 PM ) shut up christine

two very very important things this saturday:

Gramshree is affiliated with Manav Sadhna. This is close to my heart
(click on flyer to view closeup)

and Blazin Hope!!

Performances by Uncle Imani of The Pharcyde, Ragtop from the Philistines, Mandeep Sethi, and A.I.M to name a few.
Proceeds benefiting Alternative Intervention Models (A.I.M) and Corazon de Vida orphanages in Mexico
Its going to be bananas in there!!! buy tickets now
8pm-1:30am @ The Knitting Factory
7021 Hollywood Blvd, Los Angeles 90028
presale $20, $25 at the door

( 4:50 PM ) shut up christine

i'm not going to preface this with anything.

( 11:34 PM ) shut up christine

after nearly ten years in the making
our own beloved Monkey has finished his animated movie!!!

A painterly tale set in an industrialized wasteland, Gul is a young girl caught in an abusive struggle between survival and compassion. A mother's final breath pushes her to relive the past and stumble forth to determine her future.

This film uses computer graphics to create a painted look. It was scored with traditional Sindhi Jogi folk music and a rich layer of sound design to breath life into a wordless, raw and visually rich story of youth, innocence, greed and claiming the future.

excited!!

#

( 12:34 AM ) shut up christine

melisa spent the weekend in Portland and apparently Portlanders are nice people

they say 'hello' and 'how are you?' and 'have a great day' to each other on the train

perhaps living in LA has jaded us
the last time i spoke to someone on the metro, he asked if i wanted to ride his cock so i moved to the other end of the train and interlaced my car keys between my knuckles, wolverine status

mama said knock you out

what is wrong with LA? by Portland standards we are douchebags.
inhabitants of Los Angeles, we cannot let Portland pwn us. help us reclaim our dignity

be nice, bitches

( 9:55 PM ) shut up christine

today rahul, ella, and i had a brainstorming session for a film festival that will hopefully take place in spring of 2010. we've never done anything like this before so the doors are wide open and we are free to bounce big crazy ideas around and run with them. i love this part

so we are going to put in a year of love into this project, and who knows how it will turn out
but whatever reality is borne out of this one year from now, i am thankful for these beautiful scary moments when we first start dreaming and we don't know what we're doing and everything is possible.

i like this song.

( 2:31 AM ) shut up christine

excerpt from our friend Sri - an American doctor spending 5 months in Burundi

there will be a roll call of patients who die. Memorize their names. Write them down and put them in your wallet.
If you write them down and live with them and make them matter to your life and your life matters to someone and their life matters to someone, the one who died without so much as a thought in rural Burundi…maybe they can deservedly matter...

Thanks,

Sri

( 1:01 PM ) shut up christine

( 12:53 AM ) shut up christine

i'm not moving out anymore.
was a difficult idea to let go

we all make sacrifices to get what we want
i really wanted this.

ironically, can you give this up too

anyway its probably better to change from within instead of changing my surroundings

its so much easier to remove yourself and start fresh.
fixing the broken is the hard part

( 9:21 PM ) shut up christine

there's this patron of the motel, an older grandpa-ish man, and i think he hates me.

every single time he comes in, he asks, nay, demands: where are the porn channels?!
and when i say we still don't have them, he straight up mad dogs me...for like 30 seconds we are locked in an awkward silent staring contest-- him, with contempt raging in his eyes, and me staring back with dead blank emptiness

it's quite amusing most days. but underneath his hatred for me, i believe he is a very lonely man.

another woman comes to the park regularly to feed birds and i think she's lonely too. yes its kind of asinine of me to assume she's a lonely old woman since i'm at the park for the same exact reason yet i do not consider myself lonesome at all

BUT--
if i were, i wonder what hobbies i would take up to counter my loneliness. would i pick fights with sweet little motel receptionists?

would i adopt fifty cats?

would i follow the blogs of complete strangers for years and years and imagine they are my real friends??

eek.

by the way, i really like this song a lot for some reason

#

( 12:59 AM ) shut up christine

holy freakin moly

i stole this picture from kermit's blog
he's huge! before i know it he's going to have acne and a girlfriend

and ben can talk now

( 5:38 PM ) shut up christine

i like this.

Education has allowed me to understand and to transform my world. Every individual deserves this opportunity. Solutions to global problems such as extreme poverty and sustainable development require the creative participation of each of the world’s citizens. Those of us who have received a basic education have the moral obligation to reciprocate by sharing our own knowledge with others, and by demanding that our governments take steps to ensure that every child—regardless of his or her country—is empowered with knowledge to change the world. -Christina Holden, one.org

in other news
i have an invisible HOORAY! stamped on my forehead.
i've been denying it for ages, but i will finally admit to the universe that i am madly in love. there i said it.
he doesn't have to know and i don't plan on telling him. the nice thing is that i go to sleep smiling; i wake up smiling; and i'm smiling all day. he doesn't need to know, its not important. my cheeks hurt

( 3:11 PM ) shut up christine

I-VAWA

This Mother's Day you have the opportunity to give your mother the greatest gift by defending the rights of mothers everywhere. Send a message to Congress to reintroduce the International Violence Against Women Act by Mother's Day, May 10.

( 3:25 PM ) shut up christine

right now i am wrapping up the onesies i bought for my friend's baby shower. it boggles my mind that a tiny human, with her tiny hands, is going to wear them

how is it possible that these little people grow inside our bodies?? being a mother must be such a beautiful thing but, i can't even begin to fathom the responsibilities associated with raising a life.

i remember what it was like sitting in a bathroom with an e.p.t.
i knew i wasn't ready, then
i'm still not

how do you know? how do you become worthy

( 11:24 PM ) shut up christine

holy moly, compose yourself.

these are some of the emails that passed through my inbox today:

my friend kat wants to organize an evening of awareness on the civilian crisis in sri lanka.
amy wrote me a haiku based off a conversation we had last night.
brian sent me info about the summer session at compton college, so i can do my pre-reqs for the nursing program.
ella is setting up the next domestic violence monologues meeting, may 10.
we had a discussion on the sustainability of our project in mexico, and the short- & long-term impact of our presence there.
someone in the UK, whom i've never met, is going to build our Walk for Hope website for us.
another stranger, in New Jersey, wants to help design the WFH t-shirt.
kristeen is reminding everyone about the blazin hope volunteer mtg tomorrow.
kat came up with more amazing ideas for WFH activity stations. the event isn't until october.
we're doing 100 Acts of Love in honor of our friends' wedding this saturday. i've been reading the messages as they come in, from all over the world, and this is affecting me much much more than i thought it would.
norma sent me links to grants we want to apply for, so that she can build a community garden at a school.
nice email about happiness and living in the now, from an old friend.
and a woman we met at seva cafe last sunday owns a restaurant in long beach, and she wants to donate produce to us every week.

sometimes when i'm about to compose an email, i can't believe i get to be part of this. i. can't. believe. it.

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for letting me witness this

( 9:49 PM ) shut up christine

maybe the answer in life is really simple.

maybe its as simple as getting bangs. maybe all i need is a really good haircut

( 5:20 PM ) shut up christine

Interview with Austin Hill

( 9:33 PM ) shut up christine

right now i am reading an article on the role of business in the 21st century. some questions it poses:

- What would the world be like if the purpose of business was "Narings Liv"--a Swedish business term for "nourishment of life"
- What if money was designed and used to build communities & enhance human life? All life?

and then i come across this question:

- What other parts of our system need changing in order for the whole to work and grow harmoniously and support the larger community?

and i wish i hadn't read that, because i know the answer is going to freakin change my life, much how these questions led me to stop eating meat

damn you, why do i take things so personally.

i used to think there was something very pure, noble, and beautiful about struggle and sacrifice.
brian was joking when he said it, but i've been repeating his question to myself ever since: What the fuck are you trying to prove?

i think, my life will be very different one year from now

( 10:49 AM ) shut up christine

If you can volunteer please come to either of the following meetings below. Please be sure to RSVP to Karuna at info@bethecause.org. If you can’t attend the meeting, but still want to volunteer we want to hear from you!

LA MEETING

8pm

Thursday April 30, 2009

3144 Canfield Avenue 102

Los Angeles, CA 90034

OC MEETING

8pm

Tuesday April 28, 2009

9342 Cellini Ave Apt 4

Garden Grove, CA 92841

About Blazin' Hope

Our goal is to ignite the humanitarian spirit in each of us by joining forces with performance artists and other committed volunteers, empowering all who have hope to create meaningful change in our community and the world.

100% of the proceeds from this event will benefit A.I.M. (www.hearteducation.org) of Los Angeles and Corazon de Vida (www.corazondevida.org) in Baja, Mexico. Both nonprofit organizations serve to embrace at-risk youth, the most vulnerable members of our communities laden with chronic poverty, crime and violence.

Brought to you by Be the Cause

Be the Cause is a network of individuals who wish to make a difference in the world. What first started as a few friends is now one of the largest volunteer-run networks world-wide.

Thanks

Kristeen Singh & Be the Cause Team

bethecause.com

bethecause.org

ps: a group of my friends will be visiting one of the orphanages in Mexico this weekend (i won't be going) but we need a few males to accompany them on this trip

( 12:23 PM ) shut up christine

for the last year or so i have deposited with dogged devotion all recyclables into a cute little blue wastebin under my desk, like such:

dropping my empty toothpaste boxes and junk mail into this basket gives me GREAT satisfaction. not to be all crazy weird but in my mind its like, if i don't do it, the world is going to DIE.

to make my life as a superhero that much easier, the city of Cerritos has provided each residence with a big old blue recycling bin. hi-five! world saved.

imagine my horror upon learning that all this time my father has been dumping my precious recyclables into the regular trash! i feel betrayed. by the way, this is why the economy has gone to shit.

WHY?!??! why are you evil-doers bent on destroying the world? it's so easy to put paper into the blue bin, or to bring a re-usable bag to Target & the grocery store...these are SIMPLE, tangible actions you can take to prevent the mother-effin apocalypse, and STILL you refuse to do your part. for shame! i can't even look at you.

you're on your own, you ignoramuses. i will not save you anymore.

#

( 4:56 AM ) shut up christine

another good one

( 7:27 PM ) shut up christine

i miss people at times, but i wouldn't say i'm lonely. i haven't felt lonely in a long time. i must have been a recluse in a past life. it's a blessing

i think the closest i get to a very faint loneliness is when i'm in the kitchen trying to reach the tupperware on the top shelf
but then i get a chair, and the feeling dissipates
sometimes i wish it didn't though

haha emo tears. i will just put the tupperware on a lower shelf

( 11:11 PM ) shut up christine

this has got to be one of my most favorite pictures of all time.
this is the day after i got back from india, and shwetha, jason, and sukh are picking lice out of my hair. life is so freakin beautiful

( 10:21 AM ) shut up christine

this morning we had our yard sale at lo's house
i sold my drum (!!!!!) for forty dollars and i cried on the way home

i didn't think anyone was going to buy it actually
i did it to test myself

i think i passed the test but i'm going to let myself cry for another five minutes before i let it go for good

i'm telling myself that its not the drum but the sounds that i miss
and you can't hold onto sounds. you can't keep them

this was good practice for me

( 5:22 PM ) shut up christine

one more shameless plug!

Six months ago you volunteered at the 2008 Walk for Hope and helped make the event a HUGE success! Because of you, last year was our largest walk to date, with about a thousand walkers raising close to $15,000 for various non-profit organizations.
Thank you. It couldn't have happened without you.

...and now we have a date for WFH 2009!
This year's Walk will take place on SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17--six months from now. If at any time during these next six months you hear, see, or experience something inspiring, please hold onto that thought! Then, when you have chance, take a moment to share that idea with us so that we can attempt to bring that inspiration to the 2009 Walk for Hope.

Ways to Get Involved

Join the Walk for Hope Group on our newly launched website: www.bethecause.com

Planning meetings will ramp up in June, but you can check the group for updates.

Submit a Quote
If there's an inspirational quote that is especially meaningful to you, submit it by May 15 and it will be considered for inclusion at this year's Walk. Please include the author's full name.

Sign Up for a Team

An event of this magnitude needs strong leadership. There are eight different Walk for Hope teams: Publicity, Registration, Quotes, Entertainment, Food, Activity Stations, Booths, and Logistics. Role descriptions are listed here. If interested in leading a team, leave a comment in the discussion thread.

Activity Stations

How can we make the event more innovative and interactive? Past activity stations have included the Tree of Forgiveness, Random Act of Kindness Garden, and Letter to Yourself. Share your ideas here.

Website Development

Location: Virtual
Time Commitment: 2-10 hours per week
We're looking for a volunteer who can give our current Walk for Hope website (www.bethecause.org/walksite) a complete overhaul. We have an idea of the changes we'd like to make, but lack the technological know-how.

Keep the inspiration flowing, and we'll see you in six months!
-WFH Committee

For more information on these and other Be the Cause projects, visit www.bethecause.com

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( 3:05 PM ) shut up christine

to the 4 people who read this blog, please take a moment to sign this petition written by my friend Kat

SUPPORT AFGHAN WOMEN'S RIGHTS - FIGHT NEW LEGISLATION THAT LEGALIZES RAPE

( 9:45 PM ) shut up christine

kya baat hai! today was love.
almost a year ago, someone told me that i led a mediocre life.

i LOVE my stupid little life!
i love it.

how fortunate we are

( 7:56 PM ) shut up christine

in a nutshell

i've been mulling thoughts over in my head for a really long time and decided that i'm moving out for sure, by july. my dad outright forbid me from doing it so i'm moving on the downlow, basically the plan is that i won't come home one night, which kind of sucks. i would prefer not to leave that way, but at least i've put the idea in their heads, and i think they expect things like this from me so i don't think they'll be too surprised when i don't come back.

i'm going to work at the motel until the end of the year. k brought up a good point, there's no way i can get a real job and still be involved with walk for hope & btc as much as i want to. if i'm living simply enough, my expenses will be covered with my motel pay, so it works out.

beginning next year i might go back to school for nursing but part of me thinks i'm doing this to pacify my mom, and the other part of me knows it would be fulfilling.
my incentive-- brian says that as a nurse i can work three days out of the week, and spend the other four doing what i really love. it's practical. but to go back to school, i have to give up 2 years, so i need to make sure that the investment i'll be making is worth the sacrifice in the longterm.

or i could stay at the motel, live simply within my means, and do what i really want -- which is what i've been doing all along.

need to figure out if i should compromise to get some security, or should i go for broke, literally, and trust that everything will be okay...

#

( 3:38 AM ) shut up christine

discontinuing BOMA for now

my intentions were good in the beginning but the experiment has backfired.

saving money has consumed me and i am more selfish now than ever.
quick example: i have a favorite pen (Papermate Profile), which is almost out of ink. rather than spend 60 cents on a new pen, i find myself being stingy with the notes i write down.
i bring up this example to show how this obsession has penetrated into the most trivial aspects of my life

on top of this, i am compulsively emptying my room.

i am hoarding and renouncing, simultaneously.

i am also on my period, which might explain everything.
damn this time of the month. i'm a mess!

( 6:41 PM ) shut up christine

goodbyes

someone had asked kermit if there were any girls he regretted not hooking up with.
he said, honestly, he could only think of one......

hahahahaha
i'll take it as a compliment

i love you too tim. :*) tear

this is kermit wearing his favorite crazy shirt that i forbade him from buying

this is kermit's gangsta tatoo of bloods and crips shaking hands
(c/o kat and dilshan)

see you later...

( 9:25 PM ) shut up christine

it's the choices

rahul gave me a jyotish reading by entering details of my birth and another major life-changing event into a computer program

and apparently i'm a slutty ho!
which we already knew but at least now i can say it was written in my destiny

kidding. kind of

i got goosebumps because how could the computer know that the major life-changing event i gave was the moment in my mind when i became a "ho" so to speak, not literally, but in the sense of losing my innocence. NO, not THAT kind of innocence, but the kind where i stopped.....believing

anyway that's all beside the point. i really just wanted to post rahul's insightful words:

we're not defined by the choices that other people in our lives make, but by the choices we make with our circumstances.

you aren't made a 'ho' by what [omitted] did, but what you choose to do after learning that does say a great deal about you. there's a gujarati saying that roughly translates as 'you only know what a fruit tastes like after you squeeze it' i.e. its the difficult moments in life that show us what we're made of.

our challenges in life are the crosses we bear, and give us the opportunity to grow or to keep repeating the same mistakes and patterns until we mature enough to grow. growth requires awareness and equanimity i.e you have to know what happened/is happening, and have the presence to not be overpowered by the emotions that such awareness creates.

if gandhi had no assassin, the world would have never known that even with bullets in his chest, he could fold his hands and radiate love to his killer with his last breaths? if jesus was not crucified, how could he have said "forgive them father, for they know not what they do" at the height of his agony?

and yet to be crucified is no evidence of Christhood, and to be shot does not make you a Gandhi. its the choices...

#

( 1:28 AM ) shut up christine

random thoughts

in the span of this one day i've changed my life plan 3 times.

costco personally called our house to tell us not to eat their raisin bran. its been recalled due to salmonella. too bad i've eaten it for breakfast and dinner every day for the last five days

what if someone really loves you and you know they mean it, but you don't feel the same way? what if you knew he'd be good to you? how often in this lifetime will you find someone who loves you that much? can you learn to love him back

UPDATE: turns out my dad misunderstood the message, and the raisin bran is fine. the recall was for a bag of mixed dried fruits and nuts, and i finished them off last month. hah

( 11:22 PM ) shut up christine

BOMA Day 6
losing a friendship isn't easy, even if it was lost by choice. sending love.

Day 7
stayed up until 3am cooking 2 dishes for our big meeting. injured my hand enough that it had to be bandaged and still the food came out badly. one of the dishes was inedible so i didn't bring it out. today's gift is that you didn't have to eat my cooking

Day 8
last night i told amy i would dedicate this BOMA to her, except i didn't really do anything. i also forgot to pack my lunch and by the time i got out of work i was starving. i was going to buy food but instead i went home and ate cereal. don't know what i'll do with the money i saved but whatever it is, amy it will be dedicated to you.

( 12:57 PM ) shut up christine

a month ago rahul asked me if i wanted to go a TED conference with him
after which i proceeded to pee in my pants

unbeknownst to him, i had spent many many hours watching these amazing talks from my laptop
and here he was, offering me a ticket for nothing in return

i was touched, that out of all the people he could have invited, he extended this invitation to me.

for that same reason i felt an overwhelming anxiety. i've been presented with this opportunity to interact with brilliant thinkers and innovators, knowing full well that my mute mouth would remain shut. it would be unfair to waste this seat on me, when i am content to watch from a computer screen

well the conference was yesterday and i went.
i spent most of the reception wandering around by myself, struggling to interact with this group but only doing so by picking up trash and secretly leaving small things around the room

at one point rahul caught me in a corner by myself and practically forced me to go up and talk to one of the speakers

and believe me, i tried. i circled his table over and over, waiting for a free second when i could slip into the crowd around him and get in a word. i probably tried for 30 min before giving up.

maybe an hour later, the presenter guy breaks free from his table
and just as he walks past he stops right in front of me and says "Hey Christine!" (we're all wearing name badges)

i say "hi!" and he gives me a hug before going on his way.

i thought that was really sweet.

( 11:20 AM ) shut up christine

earlier this week when amy and i were having lunch, the topic of child discipline came up

i was raised with a firm hand, and my parents did an awesomely great job but i think when i have my own kids, i will discipline them differently.
who knows, its easy to say that now and i'm sure i will make many many mistakes of my own as a parent

one thing i always used to get was "stop crying, or i'll give you something to cry about" then we'd get the belt

my sister got the same schpiel, and she always got into a lot more trouble than i ever did
but our personalities are like night and day. she's very loud, outspoken, and loves attention, and fortunately for her she can laugh off anything

whereas i was introverted and borderline mute. my emotional outlets were quiet things, like writing or crying
and when i couldn't (or wasn't allowed to) cry, i internalized my frustration and withdrew deeper into myself

and i came up with weird ways to cope--
not drinking, not drugs, not talking it out with friends, like normal people do--

i took it out on my furniture
specifically, my desk.
i fucken chewed on my desk, yall

i literally took bites out of it, like ripped out chunks of wood with my teeth, gnawing on it like a hamster
the teethmarks are still there (this desk is now in our garage)

i don't do that anymore.
thank god

its pretty hilarious when i think back on it. i was a strange kid. i also dressed up like a raccoon until sixth grade

anyway i'm having a garage sale
take home a desk for ten bucks

( 12:33 AM ) shut up christine

wow

from a post aldy wrote on my sister's blog:

I introduce her to Jonathan as my wife. He asks me if it's weird to call her my wife. I LOVE calling her my wife. BIG SHOUT OUT to my wife JANET!!!!

and today, my parents were sitting squished together on the 1-person recliner, my mom trimming my dad's mustache with a pair of scissors

sweet

( 11:38 PM ) shut up christine

BOMA Day 5

i vacuumed my sister's car.
i know. i'm surprised too.

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth,
“You owe Me.”
Look what happens
with a love like that,
It lights the Whole Sky. -Hafiz

( 4:20 PM ) shut up christine

BOMA Day 3
the little starfruit tree in our front yard is drooping with fruit. my dad and i harvested a bunch, and i brought them to seva cafe for our guests

Day 4
i took all the leftover bread end pieces from seva and fed birds at regional park. i did not anticipate 1,000 birds descending on me at once. i got scurred,
but then it got kind of exciting. i would even say thrilling. i think i shall do this weekly.
i don't get out much

tuppence!

( 8:10 PM ) shut up christine

BOMA Day 1
today i picked a melted candy wrapper off the sidewalk.
as an aside, i've decided that from now on i will make a conscious effort to carry a reusable container instead of drinking bottled water.

Day 2
today i went to traffic school on 3 hours of sleep. my gift: i gave the instructor my complete undivided attention. an unintentional side effect: the 8 hours passed quickly.

we learned that sleep-deprived drivers are just as bad as drunk drivers. i will work on that.

unrelated: during our lunch break i walked to Vons to get a cup of coffee at the in-store Starbucks. i passed by the flower section and fell in love! in lieu of caffeine i picked up a bouquet of yellow daffodils for $1.50. i don't normally buy flowers. oddly i'm not tired at all

i also got a 2 pound head of cabbage for eighteen cents :)

( 2:32 AM ) shut up christine

forgetful

i find it interesting that now that i have a little bit o money coming in (and i mean a liiitttle),
i've become Greedy McGreedster in the sense that i am keenly aware of how much money i have in my pocket

i'm still broke, but now i know it, you know what i mean? i have this much money.
whereas a few months ago i was more broke than i am now but i gave like it was nothing (like literally...nothing) yet i gave it without hesitation. it might have been nothing, but it was our nothing

now i gots something, and its MINE

my mind is occupied with now i can afford this & i need more of that which is a slippery place to be. i could easily get sucked in

but perhaps what's most dangerous of all: i find myself paying instead of giving. by paying i mean giving with the expectation of getting something in return, even if its just a thank you; its the idea that i am owed something

i'm going to try an experiment.
for the next thirty days i'm going to give like i'm broke off my ass. i shall call it The Broke Off My Ass Experiment. (clever, no?)

The rules:

1. Give like you got (and get) nothing.
Give at least one thing each day, without spending any money. In the words of Afro Rican - give give give give it all you got.

2. I can't think of any other rules.
I'm making this up as i go along. Clause: add rules when necessary.

i will document my field notes here, not with the intention of flaunting my attempts, but under the assumption that my findings will be valuable for others

( 3:01 PM ) shut up christine

yum

kuo knows that when i cook, it can take me 3 hours to make one dish, somehow i use 4x more pans and utensils than necessary, and i will probably have food all over my clothes & in my hair

last night i made a simple meal of baked beets and couscous with a tomato-lentil sauce. this time i only slightly burned my fingers while peeling the beets

nothing special and in reality i'm sure its not that tasty. i probably wouldn't eat it if anyone else made it
but because *I* made it, every bite is pretty amazing!

its funny that i can taste how delusional i am! but i really should cook for myself more often. its fun

( 10:19 PM ) shut up christine

3 unrelated thoughts

it took me a long time to let it go, and even when i thought i had
it would come back occasionally and i hated you
not because of anything you did (even though you did some crappy things) but because i was so different before you came
i was so trusting and generous back then and i hated you for killing that in me.
but if not you, then i would've blamed someone else.
it could've been anyone, unfortunately i placed it on your shoulders.
i realize that i didn't hate you, i hated those aspects in myself
you and i are mirrors of each other
and i can say thank you now, thank you for helping me see that clearly.

kermit is packing up his apartment and traveling the world indefinitely. we had one of those conversations, the kind you have when you know you won't be seeing someone for a long time.
he was serving my vipassana course on the 1 year anniversary of his mom's passing. we've been through a lot together. i asked him if he knows what he wants in life, he asked me the same.
i feel that i have practically everything.
anything after this is bonus.

you are the cause of so much goodness in my life
but i'm not in it for you or because of you.
when you are around, i'm thankful.
when you aren't, all the qualities i love about you i try to cultivate in myself.
having you in my life has made me strong, but in your absence i'm even stronger

( 6:59 PM ) shut up christine

i'm here

i came home on sunday and have been meaning to write about my vipassana experience but the past few days have been spent catching up on work.

i won't go into the technique so much because that would be better done by a more qualified person
but i will say that during each of those 10 days, we spent 11 hours sitting in meditation.

i can't speak for everyone, but for me, it was pretty effing hard yo.
not only was it physically painful at times, but mentally, i'm finding it difficult to describe in words

some people leave before the 10 days are through
or someone will break down and start sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of a sit
and its impossible to know what they're going through, each of us has to face our shit and we all have our own path to walk, no one can fight your battle but you.

i had my own breakdown on day 9 and was like F*CK i need a cigarette NOW
and dude i don't even smoke

on day 10 we are allowed to start talking again, and i was walking from the meditation hall to the dining area and one of the women smiled at me and said "good morning" and i practically started crying because it was the first time in 10 days that someone had looked me in the face and smiled and directed words at me
i am grateful to that woman for breaking my silence in such a beautiful way.

anyway, despite the physical and mental agony interspersed between moments of clarity and quiet,
everything passes

everyone can understand that much, intellectually. yes, things change. anyone can get that.
but the purpose of this technique is to understand it experientially;
to actually feel it and not just think about; to see things as they really are;
to go deep enough to get at the root, you have to work hard at it continuously and its not easy
but the benefits are real

i am ONLY saying that because i've felt it, a tiny tiny piece of peace

if you have a chance to go, i would highly recommend it.
i am incredibly lucky, i don't know how many people have the opportunity to dedicate 10 entire days to work on themselves from the inside
but this is only the first step

you don't have to accept anything i say, and i hope you don't, until you feel it for yourself

( 4:26 AM ) shut up christine

peace out peoples.

on wed i'm finally going to sit a vipassana course and the best part is that my parents are okay with it.

this really is a huge deal. we've come a long way :)
still the journey to get to this point is probably nothing compared to what is in front of me

i'll be cut off until march 1 (no phone, no internet, no speaking, no eye-contact!)
just me and my head. eek

wave to me when you see my spaceship fly overhead, okay?

ps i hope you know i'm joking about the spaceship part. i had to type out that sentence, just in case.

( 10:48 PM ) shut up christine

one more thing

i'd like to meet the genius who invented this...

.....ridiculous contraption

"The GoateeSaver is a international award winning goatee shaving template"

i was not aware they had international goatee shaving template awards

#

( 2:17 PM ) shut up christine

two things you can do

please take a minute to add your name to publicly show your support for the freedom to marry, and for protecting minorities from having their equality put up for a popular vote.

then spend valentine's day eating and dancing to support orphans in Mexico. for the orphans!

( 9:48 PM ) shut up christine

when the world is burning,
the important thing to ask is what is being born?

its amazing how an event on the other side of the world can be felt so strongly
and how people i don't know can influence my life so profoundly that it changes who i am.
how is it possible that someone or something can alter my life's course simply by existing?
and who or what on the other side of the world is being affected by us, without our knowing...

anyway.
i am learning HTML and PHP
not because its particularly interesting or useful to me. it isn't.
truthfully, i'm doing it for you.
like so many other things
i do it not because i'm this nice person, because i'm not, really.

i do it so that you won't have to all the time.

i bet you're working on it right now, i bet you're going to stay up late
and that is why i'm spending this moment reading this HTML for Dummies library book.
that may not be best reason to do things or learn things
but it's enough of a reason
and i am happy to do it

( 1:32 AM ) shut up christine

still there!
tiny little glow
i thought i lost it

( 3:53 PM ) shut up christine

february's question:

of what are you made?

( 2:59 PM ) shut up christine

when a customer is excessively rude to me, most of the time i smile and shrug it off because you know maybe they're having a bad day

but right now, on the inside i am screaming what the fuck motherfucker fuck you

ok back to work. check yourself, CB

( 9:36 AM ) shut up christine

We can do this with saltines and water, in fact I think we have done it with cigarettes and soup. I think we've done it with quotes and activities, with smile cards and hugs. All in faith that the goodness that is generated is making its way into people's hearts. Of course, the one heart that it is changing in that moment, is our own, and maybe that in itself is enough. If none of the Seva Guests are transformed, at least one volunteer is.

We are all trying to walk it, and all trying to be it wherever we are. At work, with family, among friends, strangers etc. At some point it can actually become us, and even without us being aware things happen, kind of like the feet walking onwards with flowers sprouting up behind.

And yet we all aren't it, not all the time anyway, many slips, fleeting moments of where our inattention gets the better of us. It happens to all of us.

The larger question, I think, is why do we do all this. Is it that we care so much for the world that it actually hurts us when we see inequality. Is it that our emotional response is so sensitive that we must feel interconnected in some way. Or is that we see our life's experience here as vital, as important, that living a life without meaning would somehow reduce our journey here, and that is why, even without money, without sleep, without respect we forge on, because moving forward in this way keeps us from living in empty.

I work now, many hours a day, devoted to something that I know isn't as fulfilling as doing what I used to. Part of me feels like I've given up, knowing that I still had a lot more to give, a longer way to go. Many would say that I'm still doing it, yet I know, that moving in that direction takes a lot more than I'm giving now. Part of me feels that it is okay. That what I needed to experience I did. One does not need to travel the entire universe to understand the nature of things.

Its a world of two truths. Truth one: All you need is love. Truth Two: You need money. These two truths conflict and are obviously reeking havoc on everyone's mentality. Sometimes you need to give everything up just to see where you stand. But, these two truths still exist. Living in just one truth isn't the complete universe. Loans, taxes, interest rates, properties, jobs, groceries, unfortunately are all part of the truth. (just as vital to our being here as compassion, giving and love. where we go from here as a society, well, that's still up for grabs.)

Most of the time we don't get to choose why we are the way we are. Why we need to go through certain experiences, what it is that we have to learn. All I know is that despite the hardships, the trouble with the families, I think that we have still lived some extremely meaningful moments, maybe more so than most. It's not ours to brag, we are just fortunate, even though at times we may feel lost and confused, the moments we have lived have been amazing. Sometimes I wonder if I would choose it all over again, and then I remember that I never really had a choice.

Ultimately all the rhetoric at the Seva Cafe, all the theory around service, all the projects, they all fall away. All that truly matters in the end is what kind of experience we are having. Has it been a worthwhile journey.

Christine Bulaoro, what is that life has in store for you next? What is it that you are to experience? And, can I still be a part of that?

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"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
-Last words of Pancho Villa

I am a pencil
ready to write
my life
-Jessica, 4th grade

I Open My Eyes
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Returned Again And Everything Is Okay
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Like All The Walls
-Staralfur, Sigur Ros

Muteness is a speech disorder in which a person lacks the power of articulate speech.