shut up christine

2012-01-24T17:31:00.000-08:00

important milestones

one hundred days from tomorrow,
i will graduate from nursing school.

2012-01-20T08:56:00.000-08:00

all the single ladies now put your hands up

lately i've been sleeping at 7:30pm. makoto sleeps at 7:30pm too.
i say dude, are we seriously going to sleep right now? its only 7:30! and then i immediately pass out

the good thing is at 4am i'm all GOOOOD MORNIN!!!!! and i feel pretty good the whole day

also
Peyton is back!
my sister found a flyer that a good samaritan posted and she got him back hooray!

last but not least, i was at the doctor's and through a window in the waiting room i saw a chubby girl with her granny underwear pulled up way high and her low-rise jeans way low. hot mess.
but it wasn't a window, it was a mirror!!!
*i'm* the hot mess chubby girl!!
today i am starting my Insanity DVD

2012-01-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

we adopted a cat! her name is Pickles
she's a 4 year old exotic shorthair
she's funny. and a little bossy

"get me a drink!"

2012-01-04T11:39:00.000-08:00

pretty

when i get "dolled up" for a special event i'll spend over 30 minutes in front of the mirror doing my makeup
then i'll show makoto my made-up face
and he'll say i spent 30 minutes putting on air, because he can't tell any difference

it's like this: i dab on some brown eyeshadow. OMG I'M A CLOWN WHORE!! blend blend!!!

insecure.

i've been using a hand-me-down MAC blush from my sister that is literally 8 years old (or older)
and a mascara that i bought 2 years ago for a wedding...i'm pretty sure its completely dried out and there's nothing left, still i put it on. 2 yr old dried out mascara = hello eye infection waiting to happen!

since it's 2012 and all, i thought i would buy myself a new blush and mascara, to "bring in the new" and such. make-over myself

i haven't yet.

yesterday i spent a couple hours sitting on our front stoop, in my pajamas
reading a book, in the sun
when i came back in, i looked in the mirror and my face was pink and warm
and i actually felt pretty

i say this all the time, but its something i'm sure i'll have to work on, diligently, for a while.
in 2012, my goal is to love myself, be kinder to myself, and build it from the inside

You can buy all the makeup that MAC can make.....but

2012-01-03T10:20:00.000-08:00

starting point.

It is a path of insight into the nature of reality, a path of truth realization.
In order to solve our problems, we have to see our situation as it really is.
We must learn to recognize superficial, apparent reality, and also to penetrate beyond appearances so as to perceive subtler truths, then ultimate truth, and finally to experience the truth of freedom from suffering.

The only way to experience truth directly is to look within, to observe oneself.
All our lives we have been accustomed to look outward.
We have always been interested in what is happening outside, what others are doing.
We have rarely if ever tried to examine ourselves, our own mental and physical structure, our own actions, our own reality.
Therefore we remain unknown to ourselves.
We do not realize how harmful this ignorance is, how much we remain slaves of forces within ourselves of which we are unaware.

By observing ourselves we become aware for the first time of the conditioned reactions, the prejudices that cloud our mental vision, that hide reality from us and produce suffering.
We recognize the accumulated inner tensions that keep us agitated, miserable,
and we realize they can be removed.

Gradually we learn how to allow them to dissolve.

-The Art of Living: Vipassana Meditation

2012-01-02T09:50:00.000-08:00

au revoir

on january 1, my parents' doggie, Peyton, disappeared.
ran away, i think. startled by fireworks, perhaps?
he is still missing, we cannot find him.

makoto and i used to speak to Peyton in french

we would say
bonjour! tu t'apelle Peyton. adieu Peyton, adieu! (pronouncing 'Peyton' with a silent N frenchy accent)

i don't know a lot of french
but i have always remembered one phrase, that i would repeat to him again and again:

en ce monde je suis perdu

it means: in this world i am lost

and now he is :(
maybe he was french all along

wherever you are, be safe little buddy

2011-12-29T10:57:00.000-08:00

in 2011...

i crossed the finish line at my first marathon
makoto and i moved in together (quite a big deal)
i found out i don't have lupus!
i was vegan (but only for the month of november)
i witnessed people dying, and people being born
i went to my 10 year high school reunion (we're not little kids anymore)
i finished 2/3 of nursing school. one semester left (went by so fast)
i stopped drinking caffeine, and instead went to bed earlier (sleep is so much better than caffeine!)

thank you 2011. it wasn't always easy, but it was fun

2011-12-26T15:43:00.000-08:00

fleeting

yesterday, in the shower, i had a vision of
my perfect wedding bouquet
(the fact that i am not yet engaged is totally irrelevant)

when this vision came to me, i nodded my head in silence because i knew it was absolutely perfect,
exactly what i wanted...

a fistful of dandelions
not the yellow flowers, but the white seed heads that you blow to make wishes

the chances of having a dandelion bouquet are pretty slim, i think.
their fragility precludes you from planning
you can't order them from the florist in advance (can you?? they're weeds!)
you can't pick them or store them before (they would fall apart!)

i suppose in order to have a dandelion bouquet i would have to stumble upon them the morning of my wedding
and even if i were to miraculously find a bunch of dandelions en route to our wedding tree
one small gust of wind as i walk down the aisle and my perfect bouquet disintegrates in my hands

there's the rub, and the beauty of it
i've become attached to an idea
that is almost impossible to have
and even if i can somehow manage to get it
it will literally fly from my hands once i hold it

2011-12-23T14:51:00.000-08:00

on tuesday we went out with Monday Night Mission, an amazing volunteer group that passes out food and clothing on skid row monday through thursday (if you're in LA, i encourage you to check them out)

a couple other volunteers thought makoto was homeless
this is not the first time he's been mistaken
but i love that about him

he only wears dickies pants, a rotation of 8 t-shirts, and a couple hoodies
i've looked at pictures of him from 4 years back
.......same t-shirts

when we were taking physiology together, our class lasted 14 weeks
and for 14 weeks, he wore the same 2 outfits the entire time

genuine unapologetic simplicity

around this time of year, between thanksgiving and christmas, there's a huge push to buy stuff.
i tell myself i DESERVE to have this, AND its on sale!

there's nothing wrong with that
but i don't really need these things, ya know? i'm just cluttering my house and still i crave more stuff

i would like to replace my stuff with more of these "things":
family time
makoto time
sunlight
fresh air

2011-12-20T18:11:00.000-08:00

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
Louis De Bernieres

i remember when i met makoto for the first time
we were taking physiology at compton community college
first day of class -- so many students were trying to add the class that there weren't enough chairs
in the lab, i asked if i could stand next to him
we started our first activity
measuring our pulses and plotting them on graphs
he looked at mine and asked me if i exercised, because my heart rate was extra low
truthfully, i have hypotension and a very low resting heart rate to begin with
but in our story, i like to think my heart was skipping beats

nowadays
we're like an old married couple
our waking moments together are spent washing dishes, adjusting our wack tv antennae to get a decent signal for channel 11, grocery shopping. arguing sometimes. last night i said a lot of things i didn't mean.
i left our house at 1:30am, and drove to cerritos
i can be vicious, like a rabid chihuahua
i suppose these moments are our earthquakes & blossoms falling away

i have never loved anyone more

2011-12-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

via manuri

2011-12-16T12:35:00.000-08:00

harolds-planet.blogspot.com/

2011-12-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

life

oops my blog had its 10th birthday and i forgot

10 years written down
i'm glad its here for me to look back on

i have tried to be honest here
so that when i look back, its me
and not some character i made up

makoto and i have been fighting
i don't know if we can fix it
granted, his "fighting" is still very sweet,
for example, one time he made lunch for me
but we had an argument
so he took my food and ate it.
even when he's trying to be mean, he's not really.
he's a nice guy

but
and this is where i might get in trouble later for being so honest but here goes anyway
i don't get along with his brother
his twin brother
evil twin brother. just kidding.
i can get along with twin bro when i try, and g'lord i've been trying
but sometimes i think i am just suppressing my anger, which isn't good either.
recently, i blew up and finally unleashed the bitch on twin bro, which has severed my relationship with him. it totally shocked twin bro too, that's how good i was at hiding it. that's me, Drama.
part of me is shaking my head, saying why are you telling people this? and why can't you rise above it?

this is who i am, and i'm deeply flawed
i hope makoto and i are strong enough to weather this storm
i love him a lot

2011-12-08T12:45:00.000-08:00

holy cannoli
i just walked out of my last final for this semester

i have all these grand plans for our one month break that i must write down before i lose motivation

starting with non-fun stuff, like laundry. we haven't gone to the laundromat in over 2 weeks. makoto was on his last pair of underwear two days ago
get the interior of my car detailed. i've never done this before because i could never justify the expense when i could vacuum it myself. i am thisclose to talking myself out of it. okay maybe not. i change this to: i will THINK about getting my car detailed
vegas! i'm really going, for real for real. hoochie outfits are packed! and by hoochie i mean turtlenecks. just kidding. hoochie!!!! just whipped my hair
speaking of hair - i want to do something crazy! not dye (too scared) but maybe a perm or drastic haircut. realistically i'll probably just trim an inch because i'm boring. or bangs! yes, i'll get bangs that are so long you can't tell i have them
get pregnant. i'm only half joking about this one. i want a baby so bad its ridic. i also want to get married, like tomorrow. ambitious!!

but i'm all talk, because right now i'm going to watch Breaking Bad on netflix and take a nap

2011-12-06T11:29:00.000-08:00

useless information, finals week edition

i love this vacuum: dirt devil easy lite cyclonic vac, in ebony. i believe i got it for $39.99 at target
m and i thought long and hard about this purchase because our shoebox-sized house doesn't have a lot of carpet. so glad we bought it because our place gets dusty (living next door to a crematorium may have something to do with it).
i vacuum twice a week (kinda calming for me) and the suction on this puppy picks up at least 1/4 cup of fine dust every time. its bagless, so less waste for the environment too. yay i love my vacuum. also, i need to get out more

and
my pediatric theory instructor had a patient who kept saying his cast (arm) was itchy.
it's pretty normal to have some itchiness with a cast, but his itchiness was unrelenting. sometimes kids drop food or small toys into their casts, which irritate the skin
anywho, they opened up the cast and guess what they found....
FUCKIN COCKROACHES!!!

that is all

2011-12-04T12:17:00.000-08:00

git it, girl

finals week. four days away from a month-long vacation
beast mode, ON

2011-11-30T10:52:00.000-08:00

from supun, regarding the occupy LA movement

When asked to leave, a protester says only if the officer gives her a hug. The officer smiles. -ktla

in other news
i believe my stress is manifesting itself physically

if you let me sleep, i'm sure i could sleep 20+ hours a day
rest doesn't relieve it. i could sleep forever. and its hard to wake me up, as if i'm in a coma
makoto says i'm like those fainting goats who fall over when they get stressed or startled

i also get rashes
rashes are interesting psychosomatic things. because you, and others, can see them. you can watch them grow and change. like a mood ring. so weird
even if i pretend everything is okay - the rash gets bigger and itchier. it knows.
right now i have a small patch on my arm
when i failed that class, i had a huge one on my abdomen

rahul once told me, if you master the mental seeds of the condition, you nullify or weaken the physical symptoms

i don't know about "mastering" but i can try
when the pain is approaching, try to stay awake and sit with it
instead of sleeping to escape from it

this has been an intense month for me
its been a good thing

2011-11-28T08:39:00.000-08:00

eek i have so much work to catch up on today
stress level is at a 7 right now
and yet....i still have time for this piece of awesomeness

2011-11-27T15:41:00.000-08:00

detox

as i transition to a vegan diet --temporarily--
because i'm not sure i will maintain it after december.....and i'm okay with that. it's a big deal, ya know? it's one of those significant decisions that will require a lot of thought on my part
anyway
during this transition, it's like i can feel my little neurons attempting to shift as well.

anytime i put an edible into my mouth (which is all the dang time)
i pause first
like, say a friend offers me an altoid
why thank you don't mind if i do and right before i pop it into my mouth, an awareness pokes me in the ribs and screams WAIT!! did you check?!
dammit there's gelatin in it
and that's what goes on in my head all day long
granted, i will not die if i have an altoid
but there's a mindfulness and self-discipline with food that must be present, constantly
which is a good thing, if you are like me and have been known to eat a stranger's spilt cheetos off the sidewalk
it is mental, more than anything

and while i'm on the subject of mental detox
i am realizing that
i kinda have low self-esteem : /
it is crazy what i tell myself, or what i let myself believe, deep down

my resolution is to develop more kindness for myself

2011-11-24T09:28:00.000-08:00

happy thanksgiving to you and your loved ones!

and, i love this

photo by david shankbone, via interactioninstitute.org/blog/

2011-11-20T11:16:00.000-08:00

thoughts

this week i witnessed a vaginal delivery of twins
two healthy baby girls

still eating a vegan diet
in the movie gattaca, there's this part where ethan hawke takes uma thurman by the hand and they haul ass down an alley to get away from the detectives
uma, gasping and clutching her chest because of her heart condition, says to ethan, "don't you understand I can't do that?"
he says, "you just did."
it's like that

i want to share this video that kawani posted
i liked her comment
Please be mindful of what's in your food and where it comes from. Whether you're Omni, Veg or Vegan, Nourishment should not come from torture.

video platform video management video solutions video player

consumers' voices had a huge impact in mcdonald's decision to cut this supplier. (that's huge!!)

and finally, have you seen what's been going on with the occupy movements?
specifically, the pepper-spraying of peaceful protesters at UC Davis

the officer in this photograph is Lieutenant John Pike
i emailed him directly and politely asked him to resign
if you feel so inclined, you can RESPECTFULLY voice your condemnation of this act by contacting him at
Phone: 530-752-3989
Cell: 530-979-0184
japikeiii@ucdavis.edu
Skype: japike3
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/pub/john-pike/18/a76/879

or you can call the UC Davis Police Dept. at UC Davis Non-Emergency Service at (530) 752-1727 to request discipinary action against him. they will receive and log your message

California Penal Code Section 12403.7 (a) (8)
(g) Any person who uses tear gas or tear gas weapons except in self-defense is guilty of a public offense and is punishable byimprisonment in a state prison for 16 months, or two or three years or in a county jail not to exceed one year or by a fine not to exceed one thousand dollars ($1,000), or by both the fine and imprisonment, except that, if the use is against a peace officer, as defined in Chapter 4.5 (commencing with Section 830) of Title 3 of Part 2, engaged in the performance of his or her official duties and the person committing the offense knows or reasonably should know that the victim is a peace officer, the offense is punishable by imprisonment in a state prison for 16 months or two or three years or by a fine of one thousand dollars ($1,000), or by both the fine and imprisonment.

2011-11-11T17:42:00.000-08:00

happy veteran's day
and spirit master day

one more reason to confirm my spirit mastership:
today on 11/11/11
the baby i took care of had eleven toes

coincidence?!?

2011-11-07T08:59:00.000-08:00

i can confidently say that i am now a pro at delivering fake babies and performing vaginal exams on mannequins

check it off the list yo

if your mannequin is in labor, call me

2011-11-03T18:09:00.000-07:00

adventures in vegan ice creaming

i am a terrible cook 90% of the time
making ice cream doesn't require any cooking (phew)
anyhow i tried making vegan chocolate ice cream by throwing together the ingredients below:
- 1 quart chocolate almond milk
- a scoop of lacuma powder (adds sweetness and nuttiness)
- a dash of vanilla extract
- soy coffee creamer that i had on hand

this combination does NOT yield chocolate ice cream...
instead, i was surprised with a frozen concoction that tasted exactly like thai iced tea! delicious AND magical

per makoto's request, today we tried:
- coconut milk
- little bit of soy coffee creamer
- raw cashews, soaked and then ground into a paste
- vanilla extract
- maple syrup
- crushed oreos (oreos are vegan!)
result: rich & creamy cookies n cream! the coconut flavor is still very apparent, which i don't mind at all. yummy

my dad gave me a bountiful harvest of guavas so i think i will make a guava sorbet next

good thing i can distract myself with delicious vegan ice cream because i am hella craving a quesadilla

2011-11-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

halloween 2011

Wee dressed up as Jack Sparrow

2011-10-31T09:22:00.000-07:00

over the weekend, two of my friends, shwetha and sriram, got married
this is a small snippet of the poem sriram wrote to shwe when he proposed to her

i would
like to watch the
landscape of your face
as laugh lines form slowly at the corners of your lips
or
soft creases form at the edges of your eyes
the marking
of the passing
of our time together.

i wish i could've made it down to texas to celebrate with them. they are two of the most exceptional human beings i know. shwetha and sriram, you don't read this but i send you all my blessings

2011-10-30T11:48:00.000-07:00

my intestines have been acting weird for the last few months
there was a stretch of time when i had to wear two pairs of underwear with my white nursing uniform, if ya know what i mean

i thought it might be due to stress, but i also feared the diarrhea meant i was becoming lactose intolerant :(

then amy stopped over one night and ate my cooking (i only heated up frozen veggie gyoza) and she had diarrhea too
so maybe i'm not lactose intolerant, maybe i'm just food poisoning myself
which is quite possible, i'm a terrible cook

anyway
just to be sure
i'm going vegan til the end of the year to rule out lactose intolerance

tonight we will be making vegan raw cashew and chai spice ice cream with pineapples via kawani's recipe at crafty earth mama

i've been stalling on this because, frankly, it sucks.
who cares about a little diarrhea as long as i still have my nutella, goat cheese, paneer tikka masala, and flaming hot cheetos.
but yesterday i was thinking about some of the little kiddies i'm taking care of who have diet restrictions and they have to give up their favorite foods too
and if they can do it, i can do it

2011-10-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

today i witnessed two babies' births (c-sections)

i remember things like the smell of burning
layers of yellow fat over red tissue. oddly, reminded me of lasagna
one of the mothers was 51 years old
she hemorrhaged and lost over 1000 cc of blood (1000cc is a liter)
i remember the blood pouring out of her body like a waterfall

seconds after the birth, we begin our assessment on baby
as we're wiping the blood off his body, his little hand takes hold of my pinky

life is beautiful

2011-10-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

the other day i was in the nicu (neonatal intensive care unit)
spent a lot of my shift holding babies
just holding them
one baby was born with his intestines outside of his stomach (gastroschisis)

when someone annoys or hurts me
i think to myself, they were once a baby
so innocent
and it's hard to stay mad at them

anyway,
here is Wee at a pumpkin patch over the weekend. isn't she adorbz? i love this little person so much

2011-10-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

say what you want about facebook
i love the things my friends show me

via vivek

via sonali - occupy wall street map

via seema. (translation: love - take as much as you need)

via bhairavi

via guri - from unesco youth conference in Paris that she attended

via D'Lo

2011-10-17T11:23:00.000-07:00

it is ridic to nurse others back to health when i treat my own body like crap. common sense!

for the rest of the year i will challenge myself to treat my body well
i deserve to give myself the best care possible, right?
i'm putting it down here to hold myself accountable to the universe

Health Goals:
- eat breakfast EVERY morning
- get a juicer to juice my veggies. replace most of my coffee with veggie juices. update: juicer ordered!
- drink lots of H20. i bought a purple water bottle exactly for this purpose :)
i will drink at least 1 bottle (18oz) throughout the school day
- meditate 10 minutes every day. this is totally low-balling so i ~~should~~ will be able to do this
- yoga every tues with crystal
- run at least once a week. i will run every sunday, at the very least, because its my day off and i have no excuse not to

very reasonable!

song on my running playlist that makes me feel better

2011-10-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

we just started our pediatrics and labor & delivery rotations

which means we're going to DELIVER BABIES

holy moly.

its weird because i'm NOWHERE NEAR READY to even begin to think about having babies right now

but my uterus does cartwheels every time i see my baby niece

also i think taking care of sick kiddos in peds will be emotionally challenging for me

poor makoto. he'll be on an emotional rollercoaster with me for the next seven weeks
well it's been an emotional rollercoaster since like our first date, but now its x100

speaking of makoto

i've had a really hard time getting up in the morning

he starts nudging me in bed around 4:30am

i usually ignore him because my pain sucks when i first wake up

but we started a new thing where we put on this david guetta song and we jump up and down on the bed to wake me up. at 5 in the morning

it's such a stupid little thing but i get teary-eyed. he does a lot for me

2011-10-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

i wish i could say
these challenging moments exist to show us what we're made of
that i rose to the occasion
that i persevered gracefully

nope.
last week was a bitch
i clawed my way through it
it made me sick to my stomach, literally
one day i consumed so much caffeine that my body couldn't take it and i kept spontaneously vomiting while i studied

on our last mental clinical day
i had my own mental breakdown
but aside from that
i facilitated an activity on mandalas

image via yoga108.org

mandala is a sanskrit word meaning circle or center
monks spend hundreds and hundreds of hours painstakingly creating these very intricate sand paintings and do you know what they do once they finish?
they take a broom and destroy it
(much to the dismay of one of my patients - what?!? oh no no no no no no no and then she went on a rant about nazis)

the point is
the journey is more important than the end

vomiting and not sleeping and mental breakdowns
all of it
my mandala

2011-09-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

harolds-planet.blogspot.com

survived this crazy week
now only have to write five assignments and two papers by sunday.
in the words of one of our schizophrenic mental patients, this shit is ridiculous
amen.

i punched a wall the other day
actually i only used the pad of my fist, but it was quite late at night and i am somewhat considerate so i beat up our memory foam mattress topper instead. poor thing

ineffective coping related to multiple stressors manifested by going apeshit on bedding materials

i need to take better care of myself and i will start right now by taking a nap

and for makoto, because he helps me keep my sanity

2011-09-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

my classmate texted me at 6:45am to ask questions about homework (not due today)
next week we have exams in med-surg, pharmacology, and mental health
i think we're all a ~~bit~~ lot sleep-deprived and mentally fatigued

i just want to take a 3 minute study break to thank makoto
who wakes me at 1am to study...
and then again at 2am because of course i never get up the first time...
and for driving me to school at 6:15am on tuesdays because it's street cleaning day and it's hard to find parking and i can't parallel park in those tight spaces...
and for washing the dishes at night...
and for all the little things he does to keep my world flowing

and my classmates
i see your peanut-allergy-like faces swollen with sleep deprivation in the mornings
and it fills my heart
there are moments when i ask myself whyyyyyyy
why did we choose to do this to ourselves, to pack three years into one.
masochists
a year of late nights and early mornings and sometimes no sleep in between
to learn how to take care of other people

you have all my respect

2011-09-21T14:02:00.000-07:00

i want fried chicken

recently it dawned on me that i crave popeyes or kfc when i'm super stressed
two years ago i ate a whole bucket of chicken in one sitting and a rash broke out on my face.
that was the last time i ate meat

i need to find a non-chicken stress reliever

2011-09-14T09:32:00.000-07:00

i crashed hard around 8pm last night
makoto tried to wake me up at 9:30pm to take my meds
i think i yelled and said a bunch of bad crap to him
when i woke up this morning, he was upset with me
i don't remember what i said to him last night, i don't remember any of it

but before i went to sleep i had been studying psychoses, hallucinations

its all very strange.
i'm not sure if i am dreaming

this is weird.

2011-09-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

today a patient coded
there were over 20 people in that little hospital room

i stood to the side
silently observing the controlled chaos
it's a violent process
i meditated with my eyes open

she didn't make it.
this was my first time watching a patient die in front of me

i never saw her face
but i will never forget her.

it helps me to write it out

2011-08-27T22:19:00.000-07:00

hug me. i'm tired
1:15 repeat, repeat, repeat

2011-08-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

who am i?!

i've printed out the syallabi & powerpoint slides for 3 of my classes that start this week
finished an assignment that isn't due until next weekend
called security office at hospital
dusted, swept, mopped, and vacuumed the house
ordered new checkbooks
cooked lunch AND dinner
wrote the due dates for all exams & assignments for the next 7 weeks into my calendar

and it's not even noon on a sunday!
who is this girl? so efficient
i hope she sticks around

2011-08-19T02:10:00.000-07:00

i'm going over some paperwork for an upcoming mental health clinical rotation.
below are excerpts from a handout entitled Standards for Safety and Professionalism
i'm sure they're making it sound a lot scarier than it really is. right??

Each student is responsible for knowing who is unsafe, and for maintaining a safe, respectful distance at all times. Watch your back. Do not congregate with other students. When possible, keep your back to the wall and your arms uncrossed when you are in the hallways so that you have a better idea of the patients who are nearby.

Never, never be alone with a patient in any area of the unit. Make sure staff or fellow students are in sight at all times. Keep staff informed of your actions. When in the dayroom, unit cafeteria or other locations with patients, sit or stand close to an exit or close to staff. Be aware of your surroundings.

long, deep breath. new semester begins today.

2011-08-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

today i attended the graduation of my previous ABSN cohort
here they are lined up, waiting to walk in to the auditorium
i cried. happy tears

i will get there....

2011-08-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

Complete possession is proved only by giving. All you are unable to give possesses you. - Andre Gide
quote via Supun, who got it from DailyGood.org

this is a very superficial example:
when i was in india i bought a beautiful brown and blue shawl with a paisley pattern embroidered with delicate gold threads. my favorite.
one day a friend saw it and said she loved it
so i took it off my neck, hugged it (yes, i hugged it. silently said goodbye to it too) and gave it to her.
an exercise in nonattachment -- or so i thought
that was maybe 3 or 4 years ago

but every time i pass a shop or department store with scarves, i look for it

how many times have i "given" something away
only to hold on to it in my mind

2011-08-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

my pop's garden

2011-08-06T15:21:00.000-07:00

- borborygmus/borborygmi(plural): stomach growling
- diaphoresis: excessive sweating
- emesis: vomit
- enuresis: bedwetting
- steatorrhea: foul-smelling, greasy, putty-like gray poo
- pruritis: itching
- atychiphobia: fear of failure

during finals, cb presents with: all of the above.

just kidding. i got this

obnoxious song on repeat while studying:
i whip my hair back and forth

2011-08-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

today i read a very old email
i searched for it in my email achrives, i wanted to remember for a moment

it is what it is
i celebrate my life and everything about it, even the difficult things

but in this moment i feel our loss
close my eyes and hold it briefly before i let it go again

2011-08-01T17:00:00.000-07:00

formalities

Hello Kitui

This is my [work] email in case you need to contact me.

Regards,
Makoto

regards.

i sign my emails to him with i love you i love you i love you

it's alright
he was not hugged or shown affection as a child.
he has since learned how to hug proficiently
yet remains uncomfortable expressing affection with words
these things run deep.

symbols are okay though
<3

but
words are powerful things
especially that word
perhaps that word needs to be said out loud.
or perhaps i am the one who needs to hear it
residue from an old insecurity i think.
these things run deep

you are important
not the word

2011-07-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

more on growing older

been thinking about some of the exciting recklessness of my youth
i thought i was so adventurous back then
lying to my parents about going to thailand by myself.
backpacking on my own for a couple months. getting on random buses, hopping off randomly.
sleeping on sidewalks. selling pinatas. following locals home.

guy in nicaragua: i'm a photographer. do you want to come to my house to look at my photography?
me: okay

ended up being 4x6 photos of his last vacation trip, taken with a disposable camera.
but you know, when we went inside and he locked the front door and he asked me to sit on his bed...
for a second i was like FACK maybe i shouldn't have come here...

i have lots of stories like that
luckily nothing bad ever happened to me.

i think about the Younger Me, now
and while i remember her fondly, Current Me is much different.
much older. (not that much, geez. dramatic)

not a bad thing. just an observation
time flies

2011-07-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

positivity!

prints by ParadaCreations on etsy

2011-07-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

beautiful day

you see this picture

it's the view from my bed

peaceful, no?

then i looked closely

at the reflection in the first pot on the left

on the right side of the pot...it kinda looks like the reflection of a man... wearing a suit. sitting on the edge of the bed. he has a white shirt and striped tie...do you see it? you can barely make me out but i am lying on the bed taking the picture. looks like there are 2 figures standing behind the bed as well (shadows maybe? the wall behind our bed is totally blank)

i am home alone. this picture was taken 10 minutes ago

i am probably imagining this to distract myself from studying but i do live next to a cemetery. we share one fence with the Rosedale Cemetery, and another fence with the Dae Han Mortuary

that is all. don't freak out

back to studying

2011-07-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

just got a call from my former clinical instructor, whom i haven't seen in months

she just wanted to say hi, and wish me good luck on my test on monday
and to call her if i need anything, even if its just a quiet place to study

i have a little knot in my throat right now. so much gratitude

2011-07-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

things i would like to do before turning 29

- finish nursing school
- order a CSA box subscription
- and learn how to cook for real, like how to properly hold a knife
- bake bread in our rice cooker (ours has a bread function) i want to make cornbread
- complete the entire Insanity program, once
- go dancing with makoto (he's 35 years old and has never been!)
- run at least once a week
- learn how to parallel park. omg this has been on my list forever. i WILL parallel park, confidently and quickly, by my 29th birthday. mark my words...
- manage my time better (i am finally getting a handle on this)
- sleep at a decent hour. get at least 6 hours of sleep each night
- spend more time with Wee (my baby niece)
- wear my bathing suit. who gives a fack if my dimpled stomach hangs out? sunlight at the beach is too good to waste
- make a conscious effort to smile more often
- visit Animal Acres

2011-07-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

i have a sparkly star-shaped dish sponge.
i like washing dishes with it
it makes dish washing more pleasant

i wish i had a sparkly star sponge equivalent for the tedious reconciling of excel sheets with bank statements to figure out why there's a $2000 discrepancy from two years ago
*bangs head against wall*

2011-07-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

on turning 28

sometime in the last year, making my bed every morning became a high priority
it became important.
i might even say that i enjoy it

funny what makes you happy as you get older

2011-07-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

sometimes i go for weeks or months craving one specific thing all the time
in the past, my obsessions have included:
- biscuits
- macaroni and cheese (ironically i have an aversion to mac & cheese, for the moment)
- orange juice
- mcdonald's soft serve vanilla ice cream cones
- eggs, over-easy or sunny side up

right now i'm totally into potatoes.
potato potata

also, i've been playing a new game
i set my timer for 1 hour increments
i must be completely focused until the buzzer goes off
no getting up, checking email, facebook.
studying only.
been playing this game 6-7 hours a day.
it's not that fun :(

no, it IS fun. say it.
this is fun
studying is fun
studying is fun
look how fun this is

i know this song is about sex but it works for studying too.
push harder, you're almost there now
you can do it, i believe in you baby
motivation go go go go
omg this is how i spent my study break

destroy this test, mother effa

2011-07-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

heart my new neighbors and their illegal fireworks

2011-06-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

m and i spent the last week getting settled into our new place.
the carpet in our bedroom has a slightly dirty crunchy feel to it so m borrowed a vacuum from his parents house.
it no worky...
so then i borrow a shop vac from my dad (it's not a standing vacuum, it only has a hose and small hand attachment)
i crawl around on the floor, vacuuming inch by inch, and he follows behind carrying the shop vac. teamwork!
it takes us about 30 minutes to finish

i step out for a minute to get water
when i come back - i notice a cloud hovering in the middle of our bedroom!
stinkin shop vac blew all the dust and then some back into the air

m's eyes are hella itchy and since he was holding the shop vac the whole time, his shirt is brown where the vacuum air blew back on him
ha!

we run into the living room coughing and laughing and rubbing our eyes
and now we are eating ice cream

2011-06-21T22:38:00.001-07:00

harolds-planet.blogspot.com

2011-06-21T21:20:00.000-07:00

going back

when i'm sitting in traffic (which is pretty often)
my mind consistently wanders back to one distant memory

i think we were in highschool maybe, i think my sister was driving her dark green 4runner
we were waiting at a red light
and an elderly man was trying to cross the street
he was too slow so he'd get a little less than halfway down the crosswalk but the STOP hand would start flashing, so he'd turn back. i don't know how many times he tried, i only watched him for about 40 seconds or however long stoplights last

our light turned green and we left
i think someone said should we go back and help him?
i think we joked that if we came back five hours later, he might still be on that same street corner...

but we could've circled back, we could've gotten out of the car and held up our hands to oncoming traffic as we helped him walk across

why didn't we?

i think about it all the time

2011-06-21T01:17:00.000-07:00

in the coming week i am packing up my old apartment, moving in with makoto, facilitating my first chronic disease workshop with melisa, and going back to nursing school after a six month hiatus

there's a lot goin on!

i'm sitting on a pile of cardboard boxes, deciding what to keep and what to leave behind

i feel like i'm starting over and it's an incredible feeling
like scrooge getting his second chance

anyway i also want to say how grateful i am to have a home. not "home" as in a sentimental sense of belonging, but a physical space where i can sleep and live and drink orange juice. it's wonderful, you know? to have a key in your pocket. i take this for granted too often

2011-06-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

on my first 10-day meditation course i started off with five or six cushions
three under my butt
one or two under each knee

it wasn't until the end of my second course
hundreds of hours of sitting later
that i figured out just one cushion was best for me
anything more detracted and distracted

you would think a lesson so simple would be easy to apply to one's life

2011-06-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

makeshift mourning

a while back i mentioned an elderly patient who had hurled a milk carton at me (no harm done)

although his mental state was unpredictable & deteriorating
i had cared for him for several weeks, and i developed a connection with him even though he could never remember my face or name

i came back after a weekend to find another patient occupying his bed
it happens all the time
i didn't ask
just went back to work, like nothing happened
yes, maybe he went home

it helps me to write it out

2011-06-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

kid at heart

tomorrow is m's birthday
btw he totally lied about his age when we first met

i've only had a handful of significant others in my lifetime.
when i was alone, which was most of the time,
i imagined how a relationship might be.
if i had a boyfriend, these are the things i would love to do together, this is how i would treat him, we would be committed and honest and communicate and be of service to each other and treat one another with mutual respect and love.
ha! hhahahhaha!

after a couple damaging relationships i was a little angry and a lot insecure

cue m's entrance
and i began to see the possibility
of how good life can be when there is laughter and respect and love

even if we don't work out in the long run (knock on wood) i am so grateful for the kindness you have shown me and i hold you in my heart

2011-06-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

m and i are planning to move in together next month (i know!!)
we spent the day looking for apartments and found a potential home in the historic west adams district

just when we finish scoping the place, a woman in the adjacent complex calls me over and tells me that she saw me put my laptop in my trunk (i was carrying it in my bag and didn't want to lug it around)
she whispers to me (because she knows people are watching us) that you can't do stuff like that around here or you're just asking for it...
then she tells me how this street is where the Bloods and Crips and crackheads are, and it's generally a shitty street to live on

totally appreciate her looking out for us

oh los angeles. i hope we find a home soon

2011-06-05T21:21:00.000-07:00

"you will get the hang of it, i know it!"
thanks, little guy

2011-06-04T12:49:00.000-07:00

today i attempted to start the Insanity workout but i turned the DVD off halfway through
yikes

the guy on screen keeps yelling at me to push through it
and i'm like nope nope nope
i would rather run 12 miles

in the middle of suicide drills, a moment of clarity
my weakness is so apparent

getting stronger sucks.
it hurts, both physically and mentally
but there's no other way

2011-06-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

from harolds-planet.blogspot.com

2011-05-31T12:38:00.000-07:00

a few months back i had a positive ANA test and the doctors thought it could be lupus
but i didn't have enough lupus-y symptoms so they ruled it out

well a few mornings i would wake up in so much pain, sometimes unable to move
it became an increasingly common occurrence and in my paranoia i started thinking oh crap what if this is the beginning?!? i thought i needed to go back to the doctor and i started mentally preparing for an achy life...

yesterday i realized that i only wake up in pain at m's house. it's not lupus, it's his bed!
what a relief!!!

i used to have the ability to sleep almost anywhere, even standing up
this is no longer the case
all these years i underestimated the importance of a good comfortable bed

i wonder how many people suffer, take meds, and/or see chiropractors unnecessarily due to the wrong kind of bed :(

in other news
here's a picture of leah's first time at the pool. so cute!

2011-05-22T02:47:00.000-07:00

m and i regularly dig through trashcans for aluminum cans and plastic bottles to recycle
its more about keeping stuff out of landfills than it is about money (our last trip to the recycle center earned us a whopping $3.72) but we have a running inside joke that we're gonna get filthy stinkin rich.
finding a trashcan with lots of aluminum cans is like scoring the jackpot

our newest thing is replaying non-winning scratcher lotto tickets
we've entered 68 scratchers this month, 67 of which were found on the sidewalk or in trashcans
or given to us by m's friend jimmy

if we win, we're gonna split the pot three ways
we'll each get one third to spend however we want (for our families and such, and for kuo. a long time ago i promised kuo i would share my lotto winnings with him) and the last third we'll put into a joint checking account

things we would buy:
- pay off school
- wedding rings hehe. barf
- trash grabbers
- white hatchback honda civic SI (for some puzzling reason this is m's dream car)
- travel somewhere. japan perhaps

how about you?

update:: today alone we found 6 tickets sitting atop a lotto machine at a supermarket and 28 tickets in a park trashcan! auspicious. and one of those tickets won us $10! whoever had it didn't realize they won. lucky day

2011-05-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

the most beautiful thing

more beauty at karmatube

2011-05-18T23:40:00.000-07:00

internalizing this.

the following is entirely from the interaction institute blog, this one written by gibran rivera

95% Failure

I was just talking to a scientist friend of mine. He told me, and I quote, that “unfortunately, in science, we fail 95% of the time, we inch along towards a breakthrough.” There is a lot of good talk about failure lately, but I don’t think I had ever heard it this way before. When I heard him say that I felt like I wished it was a widely known fact.

We still place a high level of trust on science; we use it to validate almost everything. What if more of us understood how science works? Maybe we would be a lot more compassionate with ourselves! I certainly hope that we would be less afraid to try new things. Maybe we would even be less judgmental of others.

And what about our organizations? I can’t help but notice the way we beat up on our own organizations. We get so frustrated that they are not perfect – as if a perfect place really existed. We beat up our leaders for our collective failures while we ourselves fail to take responsibility.

But really – we are all just inching our way along. We are doing it in our personal lives and we are doing it in our organizational lives. We’ll keep on making mistakes. The important thing is to pay attention, to be thorough and rigorous with our observations, to make necessary adjustments, to try new things. Judge a little less, and be a lot less afraid, this is just the way things work.

2011-05-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

today a patient called me all kinds of names

threatened to slap me in the face (raised the hand but didn't strike)

and threw an open carton of milk at my head (it was mostly empty though)

unfazed!

wipe milk from your face and carry on

2011-05-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

old unpublished drafts

4/2/08
what is the difference between a handmade gift and a store bought one?
bringing a home cooked dish, or take-out, to a potluck?

does it matter, in the grand scheme of things?
both are of value.

i am struggling with this concept
money changes things

3/1/07
hmmm mysterious brown stains under my desk....
the culprit: my feet (achilles) bleed on the carpet when i take off my work heels

2/28/07
yesterday was a scary day
i had a talk with R, it was a hard day for both of us
she said I've been a good boss
i cried
she has no idea how many times i've almost quit

3/12/05
what round was this? i lost count

who would've known that the one thing I wanted so badly to hear would be the very reason for ending it?
for good this time?
why do we do this
rewind 14 hours
rewind six and a half months
so i can erase this post
and insert something happy and interesting instead

2/22/07
it still happens, every time i look at my two overflowing laundry hampers
so why do i have so much stuff

1/9/07
Relevance of Jungle Wisdom in Surburbia

there is a tree in Belize with crackly black bark that will burn and blister your skin if you touch it.
the cure for the burns is found in the wood of the Gumbolimbo, a tree with red flaky bark...kind of looks like sunburned skin flaking off

the two trees will always grow next to each other

in our natural medicine classes we learned to pay attention to signs - so when tree bark looks like flaky burned skin, nature is trying to tell you something - in this case, use it to treat flaky burned skin

also, when nature presents a problem, sometimes the answer is right in front of you
all you have to do is look.

2011-05-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

stole this pic from my sister's blog

omg

i want a baby too

2011-05-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

when i hear racist or homophobic or religionist or even some far-right wing rants

i'm not gonna lie
i think you're a fucking idiot

that being said, you think the same of me, right?
doesn't it piss you off that i don't get "it"?
if you broke it down so that a 3 year old could understand, i'm sure we'd still argue about it all night

we have more in common than you think
at least i understand your anger

when you feel like choking me,
i want to roundhouse kick you in the face
(figuratively, of course. nonviolence!)

the things that seem to wedge us apart are also the things that make us one and the same

and for that, i have
respect for you, you ignoramus
and compassion, when you are coming at me with a proverbial shank

you don't know me! you don't know meee! *moves neck from left to right with every syllable*

huzzah let us dance

2011-05-03T10:01:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the orientation with the new nursing cohort.
because i've already been through this process once before, they said it was up to me if i wanted to come

meeting new people causes enough anxiety already
on top of that i have all these emotions and insecurities associated with my failure

but i said what the hell, and i went anyway
wore my story on my sleeve
it was easier than i thought :)

during lunch, a group from my old cohort ambushed me with hugs
i have sooo much support

i am good enough
i believe in myself
and i deserve to be here

it's going to be a really good year

2011-05-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

in light of all the hootenannying over osama bin laden's death

i am glad that the quote below is popping up all over my facebook feed

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. --Martin Luther King, Jr

2011-04-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

m and i have been together nearly 10 months
which i know isn't very long
but it feels even shorter, like a blink of an eye

i often experience moments of great gratitude for his presence in my life
but i am also aware of the temporary and fluid nature of things
nothing is permanent
in a fraction of a blink there could be a car crash or something and bam that person is gone! you never know.
so every minute we share is a blessing that i'm grateful for

today i found out that my severe anemia and fatigue are because i'm a carrier for thalassemia, a blood disorder that causes excessive destruction of red blood cells

in my case my red blood cells are just small and can't carry a lot of oxygen
no symptoms except the anemia, which i will take gladly

anyway, i had this conversation with m
and my doctor referred us for genetic counseling, in case we decide to have children

i just thought it was really sweet that he and i were talking about our babies
--babies that won't come for years and years, and may never come at all (blink of an eye!)
but here we are thinking about them and hoping the best for them

ps happy earth day

2011-04-20T03:49:00.000-07:00

can't sleep

started going through my inbox
read emails from yearrrs back...

updates from my travels in india
of nail clippers and dogs eating slippers

massive threads from various volunteer events
brainstorming sessions, planning, execution, and decompression
so much love put into them

emails written at 4am
with people whom i no longer see or talk to all that often

i remember the moment i figured out what i wanted to do with my life
and then i lost it, or so i thought
started in a different direction
only to come full circle

my life is beautiful

2011-04-14T23:56:00.000-07:00

holy fucking shit

i'd say that the bulk of shut up christine are accounts of my struggles to "walk the walk" as i try to live a life aligned with my principles

take for example, the bumpy road to becoming vegetarian
which started at the age of 23 and took me several years

and then my journey to becoming vegan
a lot of the stuff i eat is vegan anyway, because of m
and i am discovering AMAZING dairy alternatives for foods i love - like trader joe's non-dairy strawberry ice cream made from coconut milk - my new favorite!!! but that's a post for another day....

when it comes down to it, i'm just not ready to give up goat cheese or dark chocolate peanut butter cups
(when i put it that way, it's so trivial. i'm an asshole)

you see the video at the bottom of this post? hold on, don't click on it yet
i have a confession. i can't even watch it
i'm trying to, and i have to stop it every 10 seconds

you know that saying how must i be so you can be free
today i am choosing ignorance :(

http://youtu.be/THIODWTqx5E

2011-04-10T00:37:00.000-07:00

kuo (my bff) and i had a quick phone call to catch up
super quick because not too much has happened in my months off from school

my apartment is extra tidy though. and i always wash my dishes right away (i picked up that habit from m, who is kinda OCD about dishes in the sink)

i've spent a lot of time at the beach, or in parks, or museums.
some weeks we go to the beach daily (don't hate me)
i go to the california science center at least once a week (it's free and fun and one of my favorite places)
lacma is free after 5pm for la county residents...
natural history museum is free on the first tues of every month....

we play frisbee so often that i've got calluses

read some good books (loved this one)

spent some time highlighting text and making flashcards and such

i live a pretty good life. i'm so grateful for this time off. i needed it badly, to sort things out.
but i'm ready to go back

2011-04-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

on patience...

i've been trying to volunteer with a certain hospital since january

JANUARY

"meet with Mrs. X at 11:00 on this day"

"where is her office located?"

-no reply-

*looks up information in directory*

FEBRUARY

*comes 30 min early for appointment*

*waits*

*waits two hours*

"didn't you know we rescheduled your appointment?"

"oh no one told me"

"come back tomorrow"

"can i fill out the volunteer paperwork?"

"no, come back in two weeks for the orientation"

"TB test needs to be from the last six months. get it, then come back in two days to have it read"

MARCH

"come back to get fingerprinted"

"call back in a week to see if your fingerprints have cleared"

*this alone took 1 month to verify, i called almost everyday for 2 weeks*

APRIL

"you're clear. in order to get your badge, you need to give us this paper"

"i did it back in february, it should be on file. i can do it again, can i email or fax it to you?"

"no, Mrs. X has to sign it and you need to hand it to me in person."

Mrs. X: "why did they need me to sign this? i've never signed for anyone before"

me: sigh. i don't know.

"come back to be entered into the database"

"come here to get your badge photo taken"

"we can't accept this form of id, come back tomorrow"

fuck.

fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*end rant*

2011-03-31T13:10:00.000-07:00

spring is here!

we call her lucy, because she's a redhead (red needles)

right now she's sporting a crown of pink flowers

these two pics were taken just a couple days apart

(so cool!)

charlie

this little guy is a surprise gift for a friend :)

2011-03-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

control

recently its gotten worse and i have contemplated getting therapy for the anxiety i experience while driving.

living downtown doesn't help

m often volunteers to drive, but i experience high stress even while sitting in the passenger seat

amazingly, i am totally aware that this is all in my mind

but fear is so real!

i'm aware that it's only my imagination

that my profuse sweating and back pain is psychosomatic

and i could command the pain to stop, if i wanted to

right?

this is a very interesting mental exercise for me

the simple act of making an unprotected left turn is helping me understand my mind

yoav's cover of the pixies' where is my mind

2011-03-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

glimpse of marathon weather!

watching this gives me so much gratitude for the volunteers who cheered for us/ manned water stations for hours in these conditions. especially makoto, who woke up at 4am to drop me off then waited in the rain the whole time

2011-03-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

safe home

via brutal moineau

2011-03-22T04:34:00.000-07:00

proof

ran into my highschool classmate mark pratt at the bag check-in. go mark!

pre-race

during. all my "action" shots are of me walking

cross it off the list!

2011-03-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

recap of my first marathon experience

i totally undertrained and got my ass handed to me. i deserved it though.

my only goal was to cross the finish line ~ done didddd it

ran the first 20 miles in about 4 hours 30 min, which is excellent for me, considering my longest training run was 12 miles! that isn't fast, but i am very proud of myself thank you very much

after 20 miles, my feet said Fuck you, we're walking -- and it took me almost 2 hours to complete the last 6 miles!

total time: 6 hours 16 minutes. hallelujah finished

it rained like a mofo. we ran with soaking wet shoes for the entire length of the race, and when i took my socks off, my feets were white and bloated. blechh.

i experienced zero hip pain! miracle

i thought i pooped my shorts. i kept looking down to see if diarrhea was running down my legs. in the end, they were only imaginary poops. maybe eating 2/3 box of girlscout cookies the night before had something to do with it (damn you, samoas! 700 calories worth of cookies in one sitting)

at mile 23 i used a porta-potty and was stuck in my stall because i couldn't close my hands to pull up my shorts! my fingers were shaking for whatever reason. i kept trying to slide my shorts up with the palms of my hands, but because of the rain, they were stuck to my legs. i thought i would have to walk out with my bare ass to ask someone to help me. after 5 minutes i managed to get them up

and now i am drinking fresh juice out of a young coconut and then i am going to bed

2011-03-18T01:28:00.000-07:00

m is digging through his top secret drawer in search of his computer warranty
a long time ago he actually said to me, "You can never, i repeat, NEVERRRR open this drawer"
which of course made me paranoid. probably nekkid pictures of his ex-girlfriends or something or other

anywho he's shuffling through his top secret drawer and he pulls out a white paper bag
and i say mmmhmmm what's that?
he hands it to me and it's a paper bag from a bakery
where he bought me cookies a few months ago
and i had drawn on the bag thank you i love you!

he's a simple guy, ya know?
doesn't care much for material stuff.
like, i could fit his entire wardrobe in my backpack

but sometimes he keeps my trash

curious little creature

2011-03-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

mattress cemetery, a poem.

there are hella mattresses on my street.

i believe

mattresses come here

to die.

2011-03-14T01:03:00.000-07:00

with six days to go, i regret

that i waited until the week before the marathon to order a new pair of shoes, which haven't come in yet. twas pointless this late in the game since i have no time to break them in

that i didn't train properly. i ran when i felt like it, which wasn't often.

that my left butt cheek deflated, not that i had much booty to begin with. what little i had, left me, only to be replaced with dull hip pain. could have done strengthening exercises for my left side

however

i am grateful to m
who followed me on his skateboard during every single one of my night runs. he also equipped me with a whistle and pepper spray
these runs would last over two hours
every time i looked back he would kindly give me a thumbs up or nod his head

2011-03-11T12:06:00.000-08:00

what do you think?

via here

2011-03-11T11:28:00.000-08:00

tsunami

m and i watched on tv as hundreds of cars were swept away
some with their lights and windshield wipers still going

prayers for japan, and all of m's family

2011-03-11T01:33:00.000-08:00

curious

experiment!
1. get a chapstick (any flavor)
2. go into a dark room such as a closet
3. quickly & repeatedly rub your finger along the chapstick tube, over the wrapper

does it.....glow?
i always get lots of green sparks, bright like a glowstick or firefly.
sometimes m can do it too, but not as bright. can you?!

this must mean i am:
- magicals
- an alien
- super electrically charged
- crazy

2011-03-09T14:47:00.000-08:00

grow

i love coming home

this is the window above our kitchen sink

each of these plants was gifted or bought for a dollar or less from Exotic Succulents

tabletop trees

in the space between my stove and fridge

2011-03-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

today marks the 100th anniversary of international women's day

today i honor the amazing women in my life who have helped me be the woman i am

especially my mother, sister, and leah
professors wade, taylor, and tazmin
my little cousins kriselle, marielle, and donna
and friends like linda hahn, amy tsai, sonal thakur, ella gomez, loralei bingamon, michelle woo, ann nguyen, kat james, jamie de luna, asha & arti patel, sonali fiske and so many others who continually inspire me to be a great human being

happy women's day!!

image above via messages for UN women - in pictures

2011-03-05T20:41:00.000-08:00

my baby niece's baptism is approaching. i am not catholic, but this is an important occasion for her parents, and especially her grandparents. i am happy to be part of it.
below is a beautiful prayer for leah, as she begins this new chapter in her life

We pray for children

We pray for children
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who can never find their shoes

And we pray for those
who stare at photographers from behind barbed wire,
who can’t bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who are born in places we wouldn’t be caught dead in,
who never go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.

We pray for children
who sleep with the dog and bury the goldfish,
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who get visits from the tooth fairy,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.

And we pray for those
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who watch their parents watch them die,
who can’t find any bread to steal,
who don’t have any rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren’t on anybody’s dresser,
whose monsters are real.

We pray for children
who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed, and never rinse out the tub,
who don’t like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church or temple and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and
whose smiles can make us cry.

And we pray for those
whose nightmares come in the daytime,
who will eat anything,
who have never seen a dentist,
who aren’t spoiled by anybody,
who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
who live and move, but have no being.

We pray for children
who want to be carried… and for those who must,
for those we never give up on…and for those who don’t get a second chance,
for those we smother…and for those who will grab the hand of anybody
kind enough to offer it.

Ina J. Huges
(School Teacher)

2011-03-05T01:15:00.000-08:00

controverse

i'll begin this post by first admitting that i was ABOUT to say

Villa Park Councilwoman Deborah Pauly is a big ol' bigoty bitch

for real, that's what i was thinking. but i don't always say what i'm thinking, because i, too, can be a nasty bitch. usually i manage to exercise enough self-restraint before too much evil filth erupts out of my mouth into the cosmos.

after some thought,
i craft a facebook (yes, facebook) message to her - respectfully voicing my opinion.
i start out by writing "you will probably delete this message..."

she responds immediately. i figure its an automated response, so i write back..
respond, send. respond, send.
holy, we are conversing.

we didn't get into it too deep
but a dialogue began
and hopefully it will continue. it needs to continue, not just between the two of us, but among our community.
i will probably seek her out at upcoming events so we can ~~talk~~ listen, face to face.
Life isn't virtual.

kermit suggested that we do something nice and love-filled in the OC (and perhaps for ms. pauly) in light of these events.
THIS is the caliber of the people i roll with. my friends continually strive to do nice things for people they disagree with.

so badass

2011-03-04T00:35:00.000-08:00

i did another 12 miles today (!!!!)
but this time i almost threw up all over my shoes

on to more important matters...
my friend kristeen singh went to a conference where a speaker, sean, talked about his experiences traveling and volunteering in the congo. the congo has been a war ravaged country since 1998, and many of the soldiers are children.

kristeen writes:

“Children too small to carry a gun and use it were simply given a whistle and put on the front lines. The only job these small boys had was to use their whistles to make enough noise to scare the enemy and to be the frontline and take the first round of bullets. These small children were to serve as a temporary barricade. The ones who try to run are shot from behind. This is to serve as a reminder to the others to be brave. They are left with no way to protect themselves from either side of the line. With falling whistles, their only choice is to feign death or face it.”

What Sean learned changed his life forever. After a friend gave him a whistle, he thought their weapon could be our voice. He created Falling Whistles. You can now buy a whistle, which will help raise awareness about the conflict and essentially allow you to “Wear the protest”.

you can read the rest of kristeen's poignant write-up here

to learn more, or to purchase a whistle of which the proceeds support the rehabilitation of children affected by the war, visit fallingwhistles.com

(and if you only want to spend one minute more on this topic, definitely spend that precious minute reading THE STORY)

images via Falling Whistles

2011-03-02T20:38:00.000-08:00

ohhhh whaaaaaaat

i ran 12 miles today!

go me.

that is all