shut up christine


Tuesday, January 29, 2013
      ( 2:18 PM ) shut up christine  
during my undergrad one of my friends was going to clean out his grandparents' home, since both of them had passed away
so i went with him to help

maybe you also know what it's like to go through someone's stuff after they have passed on

his grandparents were world travelers and had accumulated a lifetime of souvenirs, trinkets, collectibles...stuff.  so much of it

there i was, a stranger, rapidly chucking their worldly belongings into 2 ginormous piles - trash or donation.  we spent the whole day there and barely made a dent

something about that experience really shook me


all this STUFF
you can't take it with you
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Thursday, January 24, 2013
      ( 11:27 PM ) shut up christine  

during my walk today i kept looking around to check if there was someone in my vicinity because i kept smelling perfume.  lovely.  fresh and sweet but not fruity or floral.  clean, like a bar of soap or laundry

eventually i figured out it was coming from the ocean
i go to the beach all the time and it has never smelled like this

you know how they have scented candles named "sea breeze" or "blue ocean mist" or something... well i imagine it smells like that except it was real and it was everywhere

i kept lifting my nose to drink up as much of it as i could

what a gift!  i hope i never forget it
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Monday, January 21, 2013
      ( 10:18 PM ) shut up christine  
:)

this little creature brings me great joy

also
someone unexpectedly mailed me a package of homemade chocolate chip cookies.  in the box was a smile card and a sweet anonymous note
whoever you are, thank you so much


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Wednesday, January 16, 2013
      ( 2:35 AM ) shut up christine  
found an old page of chem notes while cleaning my closet
how odd this is my handwriting but the content is alien
holy moly i vaguely remember spdf notation

also i re-read some of makoto's old emails to me (from almost 3 years ago) when we were just physio study buddies and we hadn't started dating yet


I'm a little sad that the semester is over. You will probably forget about me now that we don't have class together. You did make going to school something I did not dread since I got to spend some time with a pretty gal with a nice heart.
Congrats on getting into the program! I'll treat you to some veggie food to celebrate. When does your school start? We definitely should go on a road trip if you have time. We can just go to San Francisco if Washington is too far. Don't worry, I won't bug you once your school starts. I know it is very demanding. I'm certain you will do great. You don't give yourself enough credit for how smart you are.    

oh makoto.  i still have a crush on you
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Monday, January 14, 2013
      ( 11:46 PM ) shut up christine  
what do you wish for?



wishing fountain, chinatown los angeles
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Saturday, January 12, 2013
      ( 7:49 PM ) shut up christine  
i'm going to be real right now
my dad and i just had a fight

what's our deal?
how come we cannot civilly converse with each other?
why are we always fighting

it's funny, in these moments we are exactly the same.
explosive. stubborn.  we mirror the same angry pink face.  don't forget to breathe when you are yelling yo.  i am my father's daughter

this fight was about advance directives, which is a difficult topic, understandably.

dad, do you have an advance directive? 

what's that? 

(not even two minutes later)

you think you know shit because you went to nursing school? i said i don't want TO TALK ANYMORE  *door slam*

we don't communicate well, we never have.
we don't listen to each other
we don't have a relationship where i can come to you for advice or guidance
we can't talk about anything significant without yelling

so we are limited to
how are you?
good.

and that's okay.

each time we hold back an angry word instead of uttering it out loud, what fills that silent space?  oddly i believe verbal restraint is how he and i best communicate our care for each other


i'm not a great daughter
you aren't a great father
may we accept this and forgive each other for it
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Thursday, January 10, 2013
      ( 7:30 PM ) shut up christine  

another photograher snapped shots of makoto and sent them to us

makoto has noticed that at sunset there is often a small group of people behind him taking pictures. 
he's too shy to turn around

ps today my sister and aldrich have been married four years.  happy anniversary!
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Monday, January 07, 2013
      ( 5:09 AM ) shut up christine  
one quality makoto and i share is that we're kinda loners

we have our small groups of friends but we aren't good at initiating a get together or dialing a friend's number or inviting people over or keeping in touch.  this is a terrible thing to admit but many times i'm relieved when plans to hang out with friends fall through :(
i suck, i'm sorry

anyway we're driving down venice blvd and i see a familiar face crossing the street and i excitedly blurt out hey that's my friend! should we pull over?
makoto also recognizes him and busts a u-turn without hesitation (uncharacteristic of us)

i didn't know his name but he lived on my street in my old neighborhood
literally on the street
every time i saw him he was walking somewhere with his shopping cart, collecting recyclables
a very nice man, he always smiled and nodded his head to say hello

we get out of our car to greet him
it's been 2 years since i lived on 23rd so i say you probably don't remember me but we used to be neighbors

he was still sweet as ever, still pushing his shopping cart, he had just come from the recycling center.  always working hard

we chatted for a while and makoto offered him a jacket that we've kept in my trunk for months (had been saving it for another friend but we've yet to find him again)

in the wake of my cousin's tragic death, one thing that has helped me is doing nice things in his honor.
and spending time with friends is nice for the soul

also today Jan 7 marks one year since Pickles came into our lives.  happy anniversary Pickles! thank you for being our friend


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Friday, January 04, 2013
      ( 12:29 AM ) shut up christine  
i am angry, sad, confused,
heartbroken.

what do you do at times like this?
what can you say?

nothing really.

please pray for my cousin and our families

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/50360079/ns/local_news-san_diego_ca/
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Wednesday, January 02, 2013
      ( 11:43 PM ) shut up christine  

sweet lady at the beach approached us because she took photos of makoto & the sunset, and wanted to text them to us

thank you nice lady!
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      ( 1:36 AM ) shut up christine  
both eyes open

photo via

a popular japanese new year tradition is the daruma doll, a symbol of perseverance and good luck.
the doll comes with both eyes blank
the recipient of the doll paints in one eye upon setting a goal, then the other upon fulfilling it

darumas have a round shape and are weighted at the bottom in a way that it will always return to an upright position when tilted over.  this characteristic has come to symbolize the ability to have success, overcome adversity, and recover from misfortune.
due to this, daruma is often illustrated alongside the phrase "Nanakorobi Yaoki," translated to mean seven times down, eight times up.
source

i don't have a daruma doll but i drew one in my notebook and today i filled in one eyeball

nanakorobi yaoki and may all your goals be realized this year (both eyes open)
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Tuesday, January 01, 2013
      ( 12:46 PM ) shut up christine  
happy new year! in the year ahead i wish heaps of blessings on you


i've had this handwritten note taped to my wall for the past two years.  a lot of it was school-related, but still very relevant

plan of love.  re-read this list often

  • give your all.
  • create a space conducive to deep learning and thinking.
  • keep it as simple as you can possibly stand.
  • avoid negativity.
  • be focused and grounded.
  • always put things away at the end of the day.
  • finish work before going to sleep.
  • study every single day.  let it become part of your practice.
  • ask questions, find answers.
  • learn how to do it the right way.  then do it.
  • sleep at a decent hour.
  • meditate.
  • breathe.
  • use your planner religiously.  make lists and stick to them.
  • make time for important things and cut out things you don't need.
  • work on long assignments daily.
  • hug makoto when you wake up.  give him kisses often.
  • try to get up when alarm goes off.
  • get to school 30 min before class starts.
  • save money as much as possible.
  • use body as much as possible - bike, walk, run.
  • be healthy.  make healthy eating choices.  keep healthy foods in the house.
  • break  up studying into manageable bits - 30 min ea. section
  • you are always where you're supposed to be.
  • try to stop saying "like" or "um."  think carefully before speaking





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"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
-Last words of Pancho Villa

I am a pencil
ready to write
my life
-Jessica, 4th grade

I Open My Eyes
Take The Crusts Out
Stretch Myself And Check (If I Haven’t)
Returned Again And Everything Is Okay
Still There Is Something Missing
Like All The Walls
-Staralfur, Sigur Ros

Muteness is a speech disorder in which a person lacks the power of articulate speech.

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