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Tuesday, September 24, 2013 ( 8:33 PM ) shut up christine lordy lordy lordy today was a rough day nothing too bad in particular, just a brooding uneasiness in my chest. stress, manifest. i need hugs. hugs have always helped me on days like this i would pay makoto to hug me every 20 minutes, for the next 10 hours let us dance to this song # Sunday, September 15, 2013 ( 7:15 PM ) shut up christine this Saturday Sept 21 is the Homeboy Industries 5K Run/Walk at Los Angeles State Historic Park Homeboy Industries serves high-risk, formerly gang-involved men and women with a continuum of free services and programs, and operates seven social enterprises that serve as job-training sites. i'll be at the bone marrow drive booth with my Lights On partner in crime, Joyce... years ago we spent many a saturday night sitting on the sidewalk in front of the Santa Ana jail at 2am Lights On is where our friendship began, on that sidewalk i learned what an amazing person she is, and i am still in awe of all the good things she does since then Joyce has continued volunteering with prison organizations, and also with the bone marrow registry this event is a marriage of two causes close to her heart and i am honored to share in it with her stop by and learn about Homeboy Industries if you're free this saturday 
this picture is from August 2008
last night a man left his book in front of the jail.
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this was written on the first page ( 9:03 AM ) shut up christine
my eyes are swollen...
Friday, September 13, 2013 ( 11:03 AM ) shut up christine oh lord lately makoto keeps talking about babies about a year and a half ago, i felt the sweet pangs of motherhood calling out to me... don't know what happened since then, but that feeling has passed. i barely have enough energy for myself right now. sometimes i just sit and cry because i'm so dang tired the other night i got a good 8 hours of sleep but in the middle of the day i had to lie down for a 2 hour nap. annoyed at myself and my stupid body i don't feel physically capable of carrying a child maybe i can't, we don't know he tells me if we have a baby, he'll take complete care of it i can sleep and he will do everything. feeding, bathing, changing everything he would be an amazing dad as i'm typing this i'm bawling my eyes out. this post is to remember our struggles that is all # Sunday, September 08, 2013 ( 9:17 PM ) shut up christine one-and-a-half-hour smokey eye makeup tutorial
1. dump all your eye makeup onto your desk. this look will require like 15 eyeshadow brushes
2. try drawing on gel eyeliner for 40 minutes. draw very shaky lines, and literally use 23 q-tips dipped in eye makeup remover to fix the "winged cat-eye" that you cannot pull off. when you're finished, the skin around your eyes is sensitive and raw. this is normal
3. eff it. draw all over the lid with a black eyeliner pencil and smudge it with your finger
4. put on mascara. touch your eyeball with the mascara brush, and when you wince in pain, squint hard so that the mascara transfers to the bags under your eyes. use more q-tips to clean it up
5. okay, this is a fancy wedding so we're gonna attempt fake eyelashes. this will take about 30 minutes. try 3 times each eye to get eyelashes to stick where you want them to go, and when you're finished, your real eyelashes will be covered with little gobs of dried glue. spend 10 minutes picking out glue gobs from eyelashes
6. omg your eyes are hella red and watery. your tears will wash away most of your makeup, leaving more black streaks under your eyes
7. put on your glasses and no one will see makeup anyway
8. yay enjoy your friend jacklyn's wedding!! true story
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 Saturday, September 07, 2013 ( 7:51 AM ) shut up christine in this dream, i am reading an interesting book a novel, or an autobiography of someone in kentucky? i can't quite remember now but my finger is gliding along the page as i'm reading i'm aware that i'm dreaming, and i am amazed that this dream consists of page after page of a book is this book stored in my subconscious? am i the author? and then i wake up # Tuesday, September 03, 2013 ( 11:02 AM ) shut up christine there is a show on the discovery channel called Naked and Afraid premise: a naked man and woman are thrown into an extreme survival situation for 21 days in one episode, the woman's mental strength got the pair through more than 1 crisis which started me thinking about my own mental strength, or lack thereof i don't know how much of it is due to health conditions and how much is psychosomatic for me, stress translates distinctly as pain and fatigue it hurts. i know i need more sleep than most people, but (it seems) i have the ability to fall asleep (shut down) on command sleeping is infinitely easier than tackling a problem
perhaps this is why i have crazy dreams/nightmares all the time. sleep won't make the problems disappear
but it helps with the physical pain
how does stress affect your body? how do you manage it? i need to practice more self care. note to self: - eat nutritious, balanced meals. - drink lots of water - get lots of rest - exercise # Sunday, September 01, 2013 ( 9:45 AM ) shut up christine i am not a phone person i purposely did not have voicemail on my cellphone from july 2010 til feb of 2013 i figured if people really wanted to reach me they would probably call again although i ignore calls a lot. if i recognize your number i may press the silence button it's not you, it's me. i just don't feel like talking 90% of the time :) but due to the nature of my job, i'm always on the phone i get a lot of calls from patients i spent a few days teaching a patient's nephew how to administer an IV medication via PICC line to his aunt so that he would know how to do it when i wasn't there the first time he gave the med by himself i told him to call me to let me know how it went he called late that night and told me she had a weird reaction and they had to take her to the ER and she died he was joking but i almost had a damn heart attack one of my patients is a baby with respiratory problems the last time i spoke to her mother on the phone, mom tearfully asked me if she could call me sometimes she said she doesn't have any one else to talk to i was scheduled to do an easy discharge visit for an elderly man, his physical condition had improved and recommendation was that he no longer needed home health services standard question i always ask: in the last 2 weeks have you felt down, depressed, or hopeless? after some talking, it came out that he had no money and no food, couldn't afford to refill meds, he suspected he would be evicted from his home next month, and he had about 1 serving of rice left in his pantry. i made a frantic crap ton of calls that day he phoned me a few days later to say thanks i discharged one patient from my care about 2 months ago, he was also readmitted back to the hospital he still called me regularly his leg is really bad, he might lose it i've had problems up the wazoo with his primary care doctor and it took me about 2.5 weeks calling his doctor almost every day to fight for orders doctor hung up on me once and even denied that this man was his patient a couple times after lots of arm twisting we eventually got the order and when i visited him again to resume care the look on his face was just........i almost cried. this. this is why i'm a nurse # |
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