1.  dump all your eye makeup onto your desk. this look will require like 15 eyeshadow brushes

2.  try drawing on gel eyeliner for 40 minutes.  draw very shaky lines, and literally use 23 q-tips dipped in eye makeup remover to fix the "winged cat-eye" that you cannot pull off.  when you're finished, the skin around your eyes is sensitive and raw.  this is normal

3.  eff it.  draw all over the lid with a black eyeliner pencil and smudge it with your finger

4.  put on mascara.  touch your eyeball with the mascara brush, and when you wince in pain, squint hard so that the mascara transfers to the bags under your eyes.  use more q-tips to clean it up

5.  okay, this is a fancy wedding so we're gonna attempt fake eyelashes.  this will take about 30 minutes.  try 3 times each eye to get eyelashes to stick where you want them to go, and when you're finished, your real eyelashes will be covered with little gobs of dried glue.  spend 10 minutes picking out glue gobs from eyelashes  

6.  omg your eyes are hella red and watery.  your tears will wash away most of your makeup, leaving more black streaks under your eyes

7. put on your glasses and no one will see makeup anyway

8. yay enjoy your friend jacklyn's wedding!! true story