| shut up christine | |
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Sunday, July 26, 2015 ( 12:28 PM ) shut up christine i sat a 10 day in may/june, my third vipassana course. my previous course was 5 years prior and i didn't keep up my practice in between, so in many ways it felt like starting over. this time was very different for me my first course i was just trying to learn the technique, and get through it. my second course, i spent the whole time trying to stay awake. i must have painfully bobbed my head a hundred thousand times this third time, i worked. earlier this month i returned from serving for the first time at CVC Dhamma Mahavana. servers support the meditators; tasks range from from mopping to cooking. we also get to meditate at least 3 hours a day i had a beautiful experience as the dishwasher the dishwashers are usually the last ones out of the kitchen to finish cleaning during peak dish rush time, the unending procession of plates, pots, and utensils can get overwhelming during those times, my fellow servers helped by pre-scrubbing sticky oatmeal off spoons, organizing dishes so they could be washed more quickly, or hauling off trays of clean plates asap to make room for more all of this so i wouldn't have to stay late we got so fast that i always finished the dishes early :) i have committed to continuing my meditation practice at home i've been sitting everyday, sometimes just 1 hour but i'm trying to do 2 hrs each day lately some deeper sankharas must be arising because i'm so angry and i'm not sure why poor makoto usually takes the brunt of my wrath. two instances last week i completely unleashed bitch mode when it wasn't warranted. my hair was dripping and my t-shirt was soaked with sweat, i was so angry that's how crazy the sensations were. out of control i'm grateful for his compassion toward me, for lovingly allowing me to let my anger out, for not hating me for it, for not making me feel guilty or ashamed i accept that anger is a part of me may i welcome it and suffer through it, patiently. diligently. let it come and burn itself out # Sunday, July 05, 2015 ( 9:15 AM ) shut up christine love # Wednesday, July 01, 2015 ( 8:51 AM ) shut up christine
real talk: shortly after our 4th anniversary, makoto told me the truth regarding why he hasn't proposed-- he doesn't believe in marriage.
around this time i cemented feelings i'd been having for years-- i don't want to have children, ever.
it's a lot to ask your partner to give up marriage, or parenthood. i feared we would resent each other down the road and we were very close to ending our relationship.
the last year was spent letting go of our attachment to the families we always imagined we would have, and forgiving each other for the things we cannot be.
you are my chosen family. today i celebrate us and the choices we've made.
happy 5th anniversary makoto  |
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