| shut up christine | |
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Friday, September 25, 2015 ( 5:04 AM ) shut up christine a dear sweet friend of mine recently called me out on my bullshit with good intentions, i offered her a small monetary gift. i told her that i would love if she used the money to do something nice for herself, like get a massage she refused it. i wouldn't take no for an answer she wouldn't budge either. in the end the money was left on the sidewalk and we both drove away later she told me why she wouldn't take it 1. she's not friends with me because she she stands to gain or benefit from our friendship. that's not why she's my friend 2. she sees something in me that is mirrored in herself -- a need to give that stems from not feeling worthy enough. a belief that we're not enough on our own, we're not worthy of someone's friendship unless we earn it by giving them gifts or doing things for them in high school, i decided that i wanted to be the nice girl. i made the decision after watching Gone With the Wind. i wanted to be like Melanie for a long time i've "challenged" myself to become more kind and generous it's easy to give away money when you have it, but when the balance gets scary low, can i still do it? can i give away my favorite scarf, or whatever item i'm attached to? it's just money, they're just things. i push myself, i play this weird "generosity game" to prove something. that i'm a good person whenever i go out to eat with friends, 99% of the time i try to pay the whole bill. i feel like shit when i don't. but why is that? why do i always insist? why do i feel bad if it's not my treat? at some level i feel like i owe it...because you drove out to meet me, you took the time to sit and eat, with me. i can justify the time you spent on me by compensating you for it ...and that's kinda messed up i had good intentions. i know you would eat with me even if i didn't pay you to. being perceived as giving and generous -- these are nice qualities but my identity doesn't hinge on them. i'm not Melanie from Gone With the Wind this life is always a work in progress. give, but also receive money does not equate kindness # Saturday, September 19, 2015 ( 2:19 AM ) shut up christine can't stop watching... # Thursday, September 10, 2015 ( 7:21 PM ) shut up christine so on tuesday i started a 4 week long boot camp, compliments of raju i'm trying to be a good sport. i'm trying really hard i plan to document my progress and honest thoughts here at the moment i'm so sore that i cannot straighten my arms and i have to walk around like a t.rex for dinner i'm having hard boiled eggs raju told me i could have THREE EGG WHITES and ONE whole egg are you f****** kidding me, raju panchal? current mood: -_- hangry. i would be shaking my head if my neck wasn't sore  |
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