Tuesday, December 29, 2009 ( 11:48 PM ) shut up christine there's a folder in my gmail account labeled "loved"
in it are some of the most beautiful, along with some of the most painful emails i've ever read
spanning over the course of a few years
i read through all of them again.
i'm going to delete you now
the things i want to remember i've committed to memory
for my last few sits i've been trying to pinpoint this feeling in my chest and throat and underneath my eyelids
and i finally figured out what it is
i think this is what gratitude feels like
pure, 24 karat, 200-proof gratitude
i asked myself tons of questions these past few months
i answered all of them
except the last unanswerable one - how could i not be thankful?
in spite of everything, how could i not be overwhelmed with gratitude for you, and for everything that has passed between us and for who i've become as a result of all these things...better.
Friday, December 25, 2009 ( 4:06 PM ) shut up christine the discipline, strictness, punishment, rules and all the other things we resented as children,
at 26 i have an appreciation for them now.
at some point i think our parents realize that some things are beyond their control, and they must trust that they raised their children well enough to make the right decisions for themselves.
now that we are a little older, and our parents much older
that same love and concern is reflected back
but
i can't force you to take walks with me. nanet can buy you an exercise bike, but that doesn't mean you'll actually use it. you can buy a bag of brown rice, but that doesn't mean you'll actually eat it. we can't relieve the pain better than the pills you've become dependent on.
your excuse for everything is that you're an old man. i don't buy it.
this is due to years of poor diet and no exercise. at least 50% of your pain you could have prevented. you can still reverse some of it, if you wanted to.
you say God will take care of you, everything is in His hands.
is God going to change your diapers for you
at some point children realize that some things are beyond their control, and they must trust that their parents will make the right decisions for themselves
i can't make you healthy, i can't. i can't do that for you.
you are leaving a deep impression on me
when i'm 66 yrs old, i will not let this happen to me
#
( 12:41 PM ) shut up christine cut myself open
Normally we are very selective in our view of ourselves. When we look into a mirror we are careful to strike the most flattering pose, the most pleasing expression. In the same way we each have a mental image of ourselves which emphasizes admirable qualities, minimizes defects, and omits some sides of our character altogether. [...] Instead of a carefully edited self-image, the meditator confronts the whole uncensored truth. Certain aspects of it are bound to be hard to accept.
At times it may seem that instead of finding inner peace one has found nothing but agitation by meditating. Another surprise, however, is that the difficulties pass away.
Cutting open the lesion and pressing on it to remove the pus is painful, but unless this is done the wound can never heal. The Art of Living: Vipassana Meditation as taught by SN Goenka, page 7
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 ( 4:11 PM ) shut up christine this is thee most epic shampoo commercial i have ever seen. #
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 ( 10:13 AM ) shut up christine
No electricity, no water, no food – no problem! I don’t even mind the relentless loudspeakers spewing accusatory venom day and night in our ears. This torture is a chance for us to practice love and non-violence toward people who are unfortunately prone to violence and not lovable…. No matter how harsh my outer circumstances, I am grateful for all and bear no resentment.
this past weekend a few of us were fortunate enough to practice a day of mindfulness at deerpark monastery in escondido
its open to the public and happens every thursday and sunday
today an email came that yanked at my heartstrings
monks and nuns have been and continue to be violently physically, mentally, and sexually assaulted at the bat nha monastery in vietnam
aggressions include cutting off electricity and water, beating, throwing rocks and excrement, destroying temples, and using speaker phones throughout the day to curse at the monastics
please take one minute to sign this petition we have until dec 31
and if you don't want to sign, can you please pray or meditate or spend one moment in silence for them
results of the copenhagen climate summit are in
i guess it's up to us then
we're gonna have to save the motha effin world ourselves
#
Saturday, December 19, 2009 ( 8:38 PM ) shut up christine re-evaluating 2009
a few months ago i tried to comfort myself by asking what's the worst that could happen?
and then the worst happened.
i told myself to shut up you self-absorbed twat, because there are people out there with real problems.
meanwhile i tried my best to pretend that this hole wasn't here, but failed, most days.
a few months have passed since then, and although i still can't honestly say that i'm perfectly fine and everything is just great...
i can confidently say that
i'm still breathing (huge revelation, i know.)
i have to take a lot of slow deep breaths, but, i'm still breathing :)
the other day i was at the gym
at the end of my run i looked down at the treadmill dashboard and i had run over 5 miles, surprisingly it wasn't difficult.
its amazing how things get so much easier over time
5 miles would've been impossible a few months ago
i've come a long way.
mark, in all his genius, responded to my initial question by asking what's the best that could happen?
and the best is happening now
i'm getting through it, one breath after another
so much good has come out of this, so many choices and changes.
like shwe would say, we can only grow from here
#
Thursday, December 17, 2009 ( 12:24 AM ) shut up christine
i always carry chapstick in my pocket.
i spent about 8 hours in the library today.
i thought i was sitting on my chapstick the entire time.
nope. no chapstick in my back pocket.
but i do have a hemorrhoid the size of kentucky
i pushed it back in
all better.
i have not brushed my hair in the last few days
i should stop saying that. i never brush my hair.
twas all over the place, so i decided to braid it today
a small chunk came out in my hand
good thing you can't really tell
in the last 24 hours i've had like 15 thermoses of tea
i don't know if its from the caffeine
but my face is swole like a pumpkin and i'm breaking out.
hives, i think.
A smiling face is half the meal. --Latvian Proverb
we're having another seva cafe 3.0 meeting this saturday to discuss giving and generosity, and what that will look like in our next installment of this experiment. there are so many new things we can try and directions we can go
this is really difficult and painful for me to say, because i have SO much love for it
but sharing my challenges and struggles honestly is vital to my own process
the reality is that i'm done. i burnt out, in a bad way. to be fair, several personal factors acted as a catalyst but in retrospect it was all a good thing, i needed those things to happen so that i could go even deeper.
meechy posted this awesome grey's anatomy quote that i love, it's been helping me in so many different parts of my life, and i will re-post it here. it might help you as well
"The joy supposedly is in the giving, so when the joy is gone, when the giving starts to feel more like a burden, that's when you stop. But if you're like most people I know, you give till it hurts, and then you give some more."
i've been asking myself questions like where do i go from here. what am i trying to do, am i contributing to that purpose or am i doing it just to do it. do i need to have a different approach, what would that be. should i step back. is it time to go.
the answers will come, this is another opportunity to practice patience
#
Sunday, December 06, 2009 ( 1:34 PM ) shut up christine letters
The more and more I am with him and think about how much good he has added to my life, the more and more I am convinced that our struggles are worth it. As you said, it's a good life.
I read that line over and over again. Regarding my beloved, I wish I could say the same but I think we are destroying each other.
i miss you a lot too. this has been a difficult year, i'm sure for both of us. mentally, physically, and emotionally i experienced a lot of growing pains in 2009. i am very much looking forward to the new year, and all the changes that may come with it.
whatever damage and hurt i've caused you, i am so sorry. i was coming from a place of pain, and naturally that pain has rippled out onto others. i'm working on getting back to a good place, one step at a time, and i will keep working at it i also wish you so much happiness
Saturday, December 05, 2009 ( 3:22 PM ) shut up christine deeper
Nobody else can do the job for you; you have to work yourself. You have to explore reality within yourself. You have to liberate yourself. -S.N. Goenka #
Friday, December 04, 2009 ( 11:24 AM ) shut up christine sometimes i think the thing that is saving me
is not my love of learning this material
but that i enjoy highlighting my books with a teal marker and gold crayon
#
( 1:49 AM ) shut up christine nothing new here
we were supposed to go to prom together
i don't have much to say when he and i talk on the phone, but its nice catching up
we can start right where we left off, as if we've been having a ten year long conversation.
i know i'm not going to change my mind. nothing will make me feel differently and i'm sure he knows that.
still, once in a while he will say something very simple and sweet and earnest
and i will pretend to barf and roll my eyes at him, like i've been doing since the 10th grade
but you know what? no guy talks to me like this.
someone may say something similar, but they don't mean it like that
if we could give our hearts to the people who deserved it, hands down i would give mine to him
#
Tuesday, December 01, 2009 ( 4:35 PM ) shut up christine up to 35,000 more troops are being deployed to afghanistan
so of course i take this opportunity to educate my father on my theory that there was/is no exit strategy because we don't plan on ever leaving...
which then sets off another war at our kitchen table
it is impossible for my father and i to dialogue about anything political
98% of our conversations will end in him telling me that i'm wrong and that i need to go to therapy and me thinking what an ignorant bastard
because obviously i have always been able to articulate my thoughts coherently and intelligently. obviously.
and then i think
have i ever spoken coherently and intelligently? i can't even remember the last time that happened. that has never been my strong point
i can't be frustrated that he can't hear me, or understand me, because i am just as guilty. then i was like OMG I AM THE IGNORANT BASTARD. I AM!!
and then the clouds parted and angels sang and i got off my soapbox and i could actually listen to what he was saying
#
( 3:01 AM ) shut up christine
the title of this haiku is I Think You're Crazy And I Will Never Say This To Your Face Because I Wish You Didn't
hi d. i know that
no one will ever love me
as much as you do
#
"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
-Last words of Pancho Villa
I am a pencil
ready to write
my life
-Jessica, 4th grade
I Open My Eyes
Take The Crusts Out
Stretch Myself And Check (If I Haven’t)
Returned Again And Everything Is Okay
Still There Is Something Missing
Like All The Walls
-Staralfur, Sigur Ros
Muteness is a speech disorder in which a person lacks the power of articulate speech.
