| shut up christine | |
|
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 ( 6:41 PM ) shut up christine goodbyes someone had asked kermit if there were any girls he regretted not hooking up with. he said, honestly, he could only think of one...... hahahahaha i'll take it as a compliment i love you too tim. :*) tear this is kermit wearing his favorite crazy shirt that i forbade him from buying  this is kermit's gangsta tatoo of bloods and crips shaking hands (c/o kat and dilshan)  see you later... # Friday, March 27, 2009 ( 9:25 PM ) shut up christine it's the choices rahul gave me a jyotish reading by entering details of my birth and another major life-changing event into a computer program and apparently i'm a slutty ho! which we already knew but at least now i can say it was written in my destiny kidding. kind of i got goosebumps because how could the computer know that the major life-changing event i gave was the moment in my mind when i became a "ho" so to speak, not literally, but in the sense of losing my innocence. NO, not THAT kind of innocence, but the kind where i stopped.....believing anyway that's all beside the point. i really just wanted to post rahul's insightful words: # ( 1:28 AM ) shut up christine random thoughts in the span of this one day i've changed my life plan 3 times. costco personally called our house to tell us not to eat their raisin bran. its been recalled due to salmonella. too bad i've eaten it for breakfast and dinner every day for the last five days what if someone really loves you and you know they mean it, but you don't feel the same way? what if you knew he'd be good to you? how often in this lifetime will you find someone who loves you that much? can you learn to love him back UPDATE: turns out my dad misunderstood the message, and the raisin bran is fine. the recall was for a bag of mixed dried fruits and nuts, and i finished them off last month. hah # Wednesday, March 25, 2009 ( 11:22 PM ) shut up christine BOMA Day 6 losing a friendship isn't easy, even if it was lost by choice. sending love. Day 7 stayed up until 3am cooking 2 dishes for our big meeting. injured my hand enough that it had to be bandaged and still the food came out badly. one of the dishes was inedible so i didn't bring it out. today's gift is that you didn't have to eat my cooking Day 8 last night i told amy i would dedicate this BOMA to her, except i didn't really do anything. i also forgot to pack my lunch and by the time i got out of work i was starving. i was going to buy food but instead i went home and ate cereal. don't know what i'll do with the money i saved but whatever it is, amy it will be dedicated to you. # Tuesday, March 24, 2009 ( 12:57 PM ) shut up christine a month ago rahul asked me if i wanted to go a TED conference with him after which i proceeded to pee in my pants unbeknownst to him, i had spent many many hours watching these amazing talks from my laptop and here he was, offering me a ticket for nothing in return i was touched, that out of all the people he could have invited, he extended this invitation to me. for that same reason i felt an overwhelming anxiety. i've been presented with this opportunity to interact with brilliant thinkers and innovators, knowing full well that my mute mouth would remain shut. it would be unfair to waste this seat on me, when i am content to watch from a computer screen well the conference was yesterday and i went. i spent most of the reception wandering around by myself, struggling to interact with this group but only doing so by picking up trash and secretly leaving small things around the room at one point rahul caught me in a corner by myself and practically forced me to go up and talk to one of the speakers and believe me, i tried. i circled his table over and over, waiting for a free second when i could slip into the crowd around him and get in a word. i probably tried for 30 min before giving up. maybe an hour later, the presenter guy breaks free from his table and just as he walks past he stops right in front of me and says "Hey Christine!" (we're all wearing name badges) i say "hi!" and he gives me a hug before going on his way. i thought that was really sweet. # Friday, March 20, 2009 ( 11:20 AM ) shut up christine earlier this week when amy and i were having lunch, the topic of child discipline came up i was raised with a firm hand, and my parents did an awesomely great job but i think when i have my own kids, i will discipline them differently. who knows, its easy to say that now and i'm sure i will make many many mistakes of my own as a parent one thing i always used to get was "stop crying, or i'll give you something to cry about" then we'd get the belt my sister got the same schpiel, and she always got into a lot more trouble than i ever did but our personalities are like night and day. she's very loud, outspoken, and loves attention, and fortunately for her she can laugh off anything whereas i was introverted and borderline mute. my emotional outlets were quiet things, like writing or crying and when i couldn't (or wasn't allowed to) cry, i internalized my frustration and withdrew deeper into myself and i came up with weird ways to cope-- not drinking, not drugs, not talking it out with friends, like normal people do-- i took it out on my furniture specifically, my desk. i fucken chewed on my desk, yall i literally took bites out of it, like ripped out chunks of wood with my teeth, gnawing on it like a hamster the teethmarks are still there (this desk is now in our garage) i don't do that anymore. thank god its pretty hilarious when i think back on it. i was a strange kid. i also dressed up like a raccoon until sixth grade anyway i'm having a garage sale take home a desk for ten bucks # Thursday, March 19, 2009 ( 12:33 AM ) shut up christine wow from a post aldy wrote on my sister's blog: I introduce her to Jonathan as my wife. He asks me if it's weird to call her my wife. I LOVE calling her my wife. BIG SHOUT OUT to my wife JANET!!!!and today, my parents were sitting squished together on the 1-person recliner, my mom trimming my dad's mustache with a pair of scissors sweet # Tuesday, March 17, 2009 ( 11:38 PM ) shut up christine BOMA Day 5 i vacuumed my sister's car.i know. i'm surprised too. Even after all this time The sun never says to the earth, “You owe Me.” Look what happens with a love like that, It lights the Whole Sky. -Hafiz # Monday, March 16, 2009 ( 4:20 PM ) shut up christine BOMA Day 3 the little starfruit tree in our front yard is drooping with fruit. my dad and i harvested a bunch, and i brought them to seva cafe for our guests   Day 4 i took all the leftover bread end pieces from seva and fed birds at regional park. i did not anticipate 1,000 birds descending on me at once. i got scurred, but then it got kind of exciting. i would even say thrilling. i think i shall do this weekly. i don't get out much  tuppence! # Saturday, March 14, 2009 ( 8:10 PM ) shut up christine BOMA Day 1 today i picked a melted candy wrapper off the sidewalk. as an aside, i've decided that from now on i will make a conscious effort to carry a reusable container instead of drinking bottled water. Day 2 today i went to traffic school on 3 hours of sleep. my gift: i gave the instructor my complete undivided attention. an unintentional side effect: the 8 hours passed quickly. we learned that sleep-deprived drivers are just as bad as drunk drivers. i will work on that. unrelated: during our lunch break i walked to Vons to get a cup of coffee at the in-store Starbucks. i passed by the flower section and fell in love! in lieu of caffeine i picked up a bouquet of yellow daffodils for $1.50. i don't normally buy flowers. oddly i'm not tired at all i also got a 2 pound head of cabbage for eighteen cents :)  # Friday, March 13, 2009 ( 2:32 AM ) shut up christine forgetful i find it interesting that now that i have a little bit o money coming in (and i mean a liiitttle), i've become Greedy McGreedster in the sense that i am keenly aware of how much money i have in my pocket i'm still broke, but now i know it, you know what i mean? i have this much money. whereas a few months ago i was more broke than i am now but i gave like it was nothing (like literally...nothing) yet i gave it without hesitation. it might have been nothing, but it was our nothing now i gots something, and its MINE my mind is occupied with now i can afford this & i need more of that which is a slippery place to be. i could easily get sucked in but perhaps what's most dangerous of all: i find myself paying instead of giving. by paying i mean giving with the expectation of getting something in return, even if its just a thank you; its the idea that i am owed something i'm going to try an experiment. for the next thirty days i'm going to give like i'm broke off my ass. i shall call it The Broke Off My Ass Experiment. (clever, no?) The rules: 1. Give like you got (and get) nothing. Give at least one thing each day, without spending any money. In the words of Afro Rican - give give give give it all you got. 2. I can't think of any other rules. I'm making this up as i go along. Clause: add rules when necessary. i will document my field notes here, not with the intention of flaunting my attempts, but under the assumption that my findings will be valuable for others # Wednesday, March 11, 2009 ( 3:01 PM ) shut up christine yum kuo knows that when i cook, it can take me 3 hours to make one dish, somehow i use 4x more pans and utensils than necessary, and i will probably have food all over my clothes & in my hair last night i made a simple meal of baked beets and couscous with a tomato-lentil sauce. this time i only slightly burned my fingers while peeling the beets nothing special and in reality i'm sure its not that tasty. i probably wouldn't eat it if anyone else made it but because *I* made it, every bite is pretty amazing! its funny that i can taste how delusional i am! but i really should cook for myself more often. its fun # Monday, March 09, 2009 ( 10:19 PM ) shut up christine 3 unrelated thoughts it took me a long time to let it go, and even when i thought i had it would come back occasionally and i hated you not because of anything you did (even though you did some crappy things) but because i was so different before you came i was so trusting and generous back then and i hated you for killing that in me. but if not you, then i would've blamed someone else. it could've been anyone, unfortunately i placed it on your shoulders. i realize that i didn't hate you, i hated those aspects in myself you and i are mirrors of each other and i can say thank you now, thank you for helping me see that clearly. * kermit is packing up his apartment and traveling the world indefinitely. we had one of those conversations, the kind you have when you know you won't be seeing someone for a long time. he was serving my vipassana course on the 1 year anniversary of his mom's passing. we've been through a lot together. i asked him if he knows what he wants in life, he asked me the same. i feel that i have practically everything. anything after this is bonus. * you are the cause of so much goodness in my life but i'm not in it for you or because of you. when you are around, i'm thankful. when you aren't, all the qualities i love about you i try to cultivate in myself. having you in my life has made me strong, but in your absence i'm even stronger # Wednesday, March 04, 2009 ( 6:59 PM ) shut up christine i'm here i came home on sunday and have been meaning to write about my vipassana experience but the past few days have been spent catching up on work. i won't go into the technique so much because that would be better done by a more qualified person but i will say that during each of those 10 days, we spent 11 hours sitting in meditation. i can't speak for everyone, but for me, it was pretty effing hard yo. not only was it physically painful at times, but mentally, i'm finding it difficult to describe in words some people leave before the 10 days are through or someone will break down and start sobbing uncontrollably in the middle of a sit and its impossible to know what they're going through, each of us has to face our shit and we all have our own path to walk, no one can fight your battle but you. i had my own breakdown on day 9 and was like F*CK i need a cigarette NOW and dude i don't even smoke on day 10 we are allowed to start talking again, and i was walking from the meditation hall to the dining area and one of the women smiled at me and said "good morning" and i practically started crying because it was the first time in 10 days that someone had looked me in the face and smiled and directed words at me i am grateful to that woman for breaking my silence in such a beautiful way. anyway, despite the physical and mental agony interspersed between moments of clarity and quiet, everything passes everyone can understand that much, intellectually. yes, things change. anyone can get that. but the purpose of this technique is to understand it experientially; to actually feel it and not just think about; to see things as they really are; to go deep enough to get at the root, you have to work hard at it continuously and its not easy but the benefits are real i am ONLY saying that because i've felt it, a tiny tiny piece of peace if you have a chance to go, i would highly recommend it. i am incredibly lucky, i don't know how many people have the opportunity to dedicate 10 entire days to work on themselves from the inside but this is only the first step you don't have to accept anything i say, and i hope you don't, until you feel it for yourself # |
|
