| shut up christine | |
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Friday, October 30, 2009 ( 1:01 AM ) shut up christine omg i'm a spirit master i don't want to make a big deal out of this but yeah i'm a freakin spirit master. around two weeks ago i started noticing a strange phenomenon..i would glance at the cloc  k and it would be 2:22 or 5:55 and eh that's pretty common so i didn't think much of itbut then it kept happening practically every waking hour its not like i'm staring at my clock but i'd be doing something like watching tv or studying or whatever and i'd look over at the microwave and it would be 4:44pm or i would flip open my phone and it would read 11:11 or 10:10 and i'd be like what the...again?!? what are the odds of me flipping open my phone at those specific minutes, hour after hour, day after day? well according to this fashionable man --> it means i am mutating from my 3rd dimensional human body into my 5th dimensional Lightbody i accept! peace out suckas # Tuesday, October 27, 2009 ( 11:15 AM ) shut up christine i thought i was going into nursing so that i could do what i really wanted to do, which wasn't nursing but i convinced myself just as i had at the motel that i would do whatever it took and then everything crashed upside down and i started to question if what i really wanted was really what i wanted in the first place. even if it was, i was losing it anyway and so i sit in the library with these big questions, and all this homework and i hope i am still here for the right reasons a while back rahul and i had a discussion about healing and what that process involves he mentioned a doctor who runs a gift economy clinic in nor cal and she said something like 90% of healing someone is listening. not only asking what hurts but really listening to what hurts them for a quiet person, i am a terrible listener. one of the stations we tried at the Walk this year was Free Listening, i dont think many people participated but the premise is no advice, no interruption, no judgment. so simple and yet so difficult. i can balance chemical equations and name the 8549306 parts of the cheek but learning how to listen is not something you can pay a tutor to teach you whether i go into nursing or not, i hope i will come out of this less stubborn & self-absorbed. i'm not sure about much else but i am certain this is one of the things i want # Sunday, October 25, 2009 ( 11:28 AM ) shut up christine walk for hope 2009                    
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Friday, October 23, 2009 ( 1:11 PM ) shut up christine when i think about the things i want, and the kind of life i would like, and the kind of person i want to be i want to hug my parents everyday when i come home each day the first thing i want to do is wrap my arms around them and tell them i love them. i want us to have that kind of relationship i want to tell * that i am sorry for everything. i adore you. why not? what is stopping me from being that person or having that kind of life? pride and ego? am i fucking serious? whatever face i've been desperately trying to save i am throwing it out the window now you are far more important to me i know i can't fix this overnight but today is a new day # Thursday, October 22, 2009 ( 3:43 PM ) shut up christine my life for the last three days my parents and i have not spoken 15 minutes ago i told both of them to fuck themselves 13 minutes ago we were screaming at the top of our lungs 10 minutes ago my dad was swinging a stepladder at me and i was shouting hit me 7 minutes ago my mom reached for my arm and i pulled away i regret each one of these moments # Tuesday, October 20, 2009 ( 12:58 AM ) shut up christine the walk was beautiful. kp, our volunteer coordinator, contracted bronchitis and she couldn't even get out of bed but on the morning of the walk she met up with the rest of the volunteers at 5am for set up. talk about dedication. that's only one story of hundreds. now that it's finished and our last day of seva cafe is this sunday (we're going on hiatus for a couple months to reflect and see how and where we can improve) things are slowing down and its all starting to hit me really hard i stopped going to the gym three months ago and ironically since then i've lost ten pounds from stress. people have been saying wow you lost so much weight, you look good but don't be fooled, on the inside i'm a mess i'm sorry, i haven't been myself or maybe i don't want to admit that this is who i am i'm not in a good place if i was a kid i would be eating my desk the last time i was this sad i made out with Honduras i need to come up with healthier outlets i think i need to take a break for a little while # Monday, October 12, 2009 ( 2:31 PM ) shut up christine oh no no no just now i set my textbook in front of my dad and i had bookmarked the sections concerning diabetes and the dangers of excessive abdominal fat and i told him that he better read them and report back to me when i come home from school tonight he laughed at me but do i look like i'm joking? i don't think so, buddy AND THEN! i head into the other room for a minute but i can hear him munching away so i walk back into the kitchen and i say WHAT DID YOU JUST PUT IN YOUR MOUTH HMM? he is hiding whatever it is underneath his palm so i move his hand and i see the crumpled chocolate wrappers and i ask him HOW MANY OF THOSE DID YOU EAT? he says "one" and i pick up the wrappers one by one and i count them and hold them up in front of his face and i slit my eyes and glare at him and i say NO MORE CHOCOLATE FOR YOU TODAY i am a meanie but sometimes parents are worse than babies and you have to be firm with them otherwise they will run amuck # Sunday, October 11, 2009 ( 4:48 PM ) shut up christine i took the day off from seva cafe to prepare for another midterm but when i should have been studying i took a lazy nap on my bed with the window open, there was a soft breeze and when i opened my eyes i could feel warm sunlight on my arms and face best sleep of my entire life. this week is going to be crazy bananas i will probably not sleep again until saturday afternoon but i have been waiting for this, and i am ready ps its time. Walk for Hope Saturday Oct 17, 2009 9am-1pm El Dorado Park, Long Beach # Friday, October 09, 2009 ( 6:15 PM ) shut up christine reason #9043954 i am a crazy lady sometime in elementary school i had read a book of spooky short stories and there was one about a man perusing jewelry in a pawn shop he found an interesting antique ring stamped with what looked like an image of a man with a hawk on his arm not scary at all, right? perhaps just poor taste in jewelry?   so the dude buys the ring and puts it on. he's driving home, windows down, arm hanging out, jamming to some music when a big semi-truck comes barreling down the freeway next to him... the guy tries to pull his arm in but he can't, its frozen and the semi-truck crushes it later the doctors in the hospital salvage the ring from his mangled arm and we discover that the image on the ring is not of a man holding a bird, but of a man with a terribly deformed arm (this is the point where i slammed the book shut, threw it across the room, and never stuck my arm out the car window ever again) this ring i am wearing now, i had it resized and it was still a little loose, there was a good amount of room to slip over my knuckles i don't know if my fingers swell up like sausages or what but there is only about a three hour window in each 24 hour period when i can take it off and it freaks me out and i keep the car windows rolled up Sunday, October 04, 2009 ( 11:09 PM ) shut up christine  today i started wearing a very simple small diamond ring on my left ring finger and no i am not engaged. i bought this one myself. i rarely wear jewelry except for the payals from Anchal that i never take off. every other piece of jewelry that i own has either been given to me or is worth less than $8. inscribed on the inside of the band is Maxine 6.18.42 amy thinks Maxine was a strong woman and maybe some of that will rub off on me. originally when i bought it i told myself that it was to celebrate that i had gone through a rough patch but was starting to come out of it. it was supposed to be a milestone marker for turning a new leaf but that was wishful thinking, i think i may be stuck on this page for a little while longer. anyway its on my ring finger because we, i, place so much value and importance on this symbol and all the ideas it represents similarly i had placed so much value and importance on some thing, some purpose, and someone who meant my everything for the last few years all these things that seem so important or large or difficult or painful or consuming or my everything in this moment, eventually they will pass, lose their shine and become dull in the end its just a rock and piece of metal and i will try to remember that every time i look at my hand # Saturday, October 03, 2009 ( 8:41 PM ) shut up christine  ready? via etc # |
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