| shut up christine | |
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Tuesday, February 12, 2002 ( 3:47 PM ) shut up christine Yet another valentine-less Valentine’s. Christine sat alone at her desk, typing busily away on her laptop keyboard. What could she possibly be doing? Writing an eight page paper? You could think that…but you would be so wrong. In reality, she was on ebay and had just typed the word “love” into the search box. Truly pathetic. “Stop this madness,” she said to herself. “You think you can buy love on ebay? Get a hold of yourself mon! It’s a beautiful day, go out for a walk.” So she went for a walk. Bad idea. In every conceivable direction, cutesie couples were skipping hand-in-hand through the daffodils. Barf-a-rama. “I need to get outta here!” and she ran to the crappiest place she could think of: the garbage dumpster behind the Commons. She huddled between a bag of stale bagels and a barrel of expired chicken-flavored oatmeal. “Nobody loves me,” she sobbed. Just then, a teeny tiny chickadee bird flew down and landed next to her shoe. “Ooooo, pretty bird pretty bird” Christine squealed with delight. She took one of the stale bagels and offered a small piece to the chickadee. “Will you be my Valentine?” she asked the little bird…and he bobbed his little head in agreement. So there she sat, tossing bagel crumbs here and there. After a while, another cute little bird came along, then another…….then 3 more…. then 15……. “HELP ME HELP ME! SOMEBODY SAVE MEEEEE!” About 200 chickadees, crows, and pigeons had congregated around her…each one pecking furiously at her head. She thought she was going to die. “Good bye cruel world…..” “Hold on, I’m a’comin!” hollered a voice from behind the wall of feathers. Next thing she knew, Christine was lying in the arms of a strapping young man-fellow. “Are you okay hun? Don’t worry, you’re safe now.” “Jesus? Is that you Jesus?” Christine was bewildered/ecstatic because 1) Jesus was wearing a fannypack (Christine absolutely adores fannypacks…but why would Jesus need a fannypack?) and 2) Duuude, Jesus was a hottie. “I must be in heaven.” “Hahahaa, sorry hun, I’m not Jesus…and you’re still alive and well.” He reached into his fannypack, pulled out some Kleenex, and began to wipe the bird shiet off her face. “You… you saved my life,” Christine mumbled. “Fuhgeddaboudit sweetie. So why were you sitting in the dumpster by yourself?” She explained her story to this stranger…and they ended up talking for hours. Five hours later………. Christine: I’m so glad you’re a weezer fan too! Wow, we have so much in common. Did you know that today- Feb. 14, is the 10th anniversary of Weezer’s first rehearsal? The Guy: Yeah! Their first rehearsal was at TK studios in Los Angeles, wasn’t it? Christine: Boy, where you been all my life? Come to mama! * hot hot make-out session* THE END. Happy early Valentine’s Day y’all! #
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