| shut up christine | |
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Thursday, November 18, 2004 ( 1:23 AM ) shut up christine When it comes to certain things I am a perfectionist and I have a hard time asking for help because the voice in my head says why can’t you handle your shit, you could do it if you just applied yourself, don’t be weaksauce, don't drop the ball you gon' go to hell, suck it up and own it, biatch… so I put up this front, like I try to psych myself into thinking that I can take on the world, I put up my away message that says “I thriiiiive under pressure, bring it on, suckas” and I’ll pretend that nothing fazes me…I am focused and driven, I am at the top of my game, no one can touch this……. there are times when I do feel that way, but in reality, most of the time I struggle to keep up and when I drop the ball, when I forget some detail, when I skip class, when I need to get my ass out of bed but snooze my alarm instead, when I can’t finish something on time, and even when things are okay but could be better, I come down really hard on myself Like I take my imaginary sharpie out of my pocket and I write FAILURE across my forehead in big fatty letters, and then the doubt sets in and the snowball keeps rollin downhill… I HATE letting people down, I hate it Anyhoot The past few weeks have been tough I’ve had a lot of stuff on my mind lately and even though I’m hella anxious about this weekend and my upcoming projects, oddly enough, my mind is at peace… I’ve been on the verge of tears several times this week, not because of the stress, but because so many people have pulled through for me yuuuck cheesey gross but you know who you are there’s no way I could have done this on my own thank you sooo much I swear, I will repay you tenfold p.s. it's okay to drop the ball because balls bounce back! why didn't i think of that :) #
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