| shut up christine | |
|
Sunday, July 25, 2010 ( 11:49 PM ) shut up christine i'm back from my vipassana course this experience seemed considerably less painful than the first except it probably was just as painful but this time i was a little more able to face it on day 6 a very old pain came up some things we keep deeply hidden out of sight out of mind then some 2 decades later you are at a course sitting 10 hours a day in meditation, and out of nowhere in between breaths it unravels, piercing and tearing the surface what is a beating? you, reading this, whoever you are, you probably got the belt too when you were a kid. so many of us did do you know what qualities constitute a beating? is it one whip of the belt, or one after the other? is it when the skin breaks? i remember one instance when i got it really bad, after i effed up a piano lesson and my teacher had a long stern talk with my mom. this is to teach you a lesson though i still suck at playing the piano i hope i'm not demonizing my parents this is how they were raised and this is what they know i trust and i share this just as an observation of myself. there is a sadness here, and i acknowledge its existence can't go back in time, can't place blame now. so what path do i take from here? i think the only thing i can do is resolve not to carry on this tradition. this sankhara will pass away with me anywho my roomie sat in front of me and a few times i peeked thru the slits of my eyelids and she was always the picture of peace and serenity, an unflinching statue, a pillar of strength and i'd be like i am in f*****g agony! my butt f*****g hurts what am i doing wrong what am i doing here, she can do this so i can do this i can do this i can do this and when i spoke to her for the first time on day 10 i came to learn that she had been struggling and had a massive breakdown on day 8 each of us, enduring so much suffering, silently next to each other helping each other sorry this was such a long post. i haven't spoken for 9 days so i have a lot to say :) one last thing - in june i posted a picture of the garden outside my window  this is what it looks like now!  everything is constantly growing and changing arising, passing away #
Comments:
Post a Comment
|
|
