I have read this post several times over several days and I've thought a lot about it, but I never had a remotely clear response to make. Truth is, I have no right to make a response even after all that thinking, but I am going to make one anyway.

I don't see how you could possibly forgive this person completely right now for what it seems he has done. I can't imagine being in the position you're in, but when I try my best to put myself there, I can't feel forgiveness or acceptance or anything else. I like to think I may in fact be a thoughtful, heartfelt, forgiving guy, and that...no; I wouldn't have whatever it takes to forgive someone who murdered a person I loved. And I'll be honest all the way through this and say that I cannot imagine that there'd be some day in the future when I could. I'm not saying I'd grow to wish more retribution upon a murderer than I'd feel now; just saying I can't imagine I'd ever sympathize. I'm not Buddha, nor Gandhi, nor anyone else but me. And I don't know what it's like to have a loved one murdered. The only thing I am hit with in trying to conjure it, is that I would be in some way angry for a long time.
And I don't think that would be the wrong feeling to be having. People may misconstrue anger with hate but I think they are very different things.

I'd say (not that you asked or have to care in the least): just love your cousin and your memories of him, and love your relatives and your friends all the more for having lost one of them in such an awful way. I think your cousin would much prefer that to having you and your family be sad forever, or (and maybe worse) try to hold up some ideal that his murder needs to be forgiven. There's nothing at all wrong with forgiveness but it has to be earned by the forgiven, not worked-for by the forgiving. I can't out myself in your shoes on that part; I can't imagine forgiving in this case. But I don't know much, so I suppose it's possible.

I'm sorry about all this nonsense, C. I just can't stand the idea of not saying something here. Whether my words are right or wrong, I hope you know I feel for you and your family, because I do.
 

thanks for speaking up, m. thank you for thinking of my family these past few days.

part of me is detached. the reality is my cousin is gone. the suffering he endured at the hands of this person is over now and i am glad for that.

that guy is in jail, maybe he's going to stay there for a long time, maybe he won't. do i hate him? yeah.

i realize it's not my place to forgive the murderer for my cousin's death. it's not like he's begging for my family's forgiveness and compassion anyway

anger is normal, anger is definitely part of my grieving process. i also know that my anger has no effect on the murderer whatsoever.
who then is suffering as a result of my anger and hate? only myself. man, aint that a bitch

even if that guy was put to death today, i would continue to torment myself

know that i am working through this internal struggle with lots of love and compassion and forgiveness for myself, and it's getting better

thank you for reading and listening and caring